Ephesians 6:1-4 – Children & Fathers
Alright, well we’re there in Ephesians chapter number 6. And of course, on Wednesday nights we are studying through the book of Ephesians verse by verse and chapter by chapter. And tonight, we begin the last chapter in the book of Ephesians. We’re going to spend three weeks in Ephesians chapter 6 and then we’ll be done with the book of Ephesians and we’ll start another book of the Bible verse by verse studying through the Word of God. And as we begin this chapter here, I want you to notice that the first part of this chapter, the first nine verses has to do with Authority and specifically to Authority relationships. You’ll notice that in verses 1 through 4 he talks about children and then he talks about fathers. In verses 5 through 9 he talks about servants and then he talks about masters. And we are given some instructions and advice on how to deal with Authority. He’s talking about how to deal with the authority over you in regards to the children and the servants. And then he also talks about how to deal with the authority given to you or the authority that you have when he talks to the fathers and the masters. Tonight, we’re going to make it through the first four verses. And we’re going to look through a lot of passages and study other things in Scripture. But we’re going to deal with just the subject of the children’s and fathers. In the next week we’re going to deal with the servants and masters.
But I want you to notice that in these four verses, he’s teaching about this authority structure. And if you’re taking notes, I encourage you to write these things down. I want you to notice that in verse 1 the Bible says this, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.”. And this is a great verse for every kid to memorize. And you parents should teach your children this, first children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. And I’m not preaching about this tonight but let me just make mention of the fact that when these epistles were written, they were meant to be read in the congregation. And throughout the New Testament you’ll find passages where Paul is telling people to make sure you read the epistle that I wrote to that church. They were supposed to be sent around and people were supposed to read them. And I want you to notice that Paul expected someone to stand up in the congregation and read this letter which is one of the reasons why we read the Bible here before we start the preaching. We go through and just read the entire chapter because that was expected by Paul. I want you to notice in verse 1, he addresses the children.
And I’m not preaching about being family integrated but I just want you to notice that Paul fully expected the children to be part of the service. He did not expect them to be off in some children’s church or some AWANA kids’ program or whatever. He expected them to be there and he addressed them. He said, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.”. This is a family integrated Church so I’m going to go ahead and address the children. And I want the kids to notice how the Bible teaches and what the Bible teaches how children should deal with the authority that they are under. This is where we begin, how children should deal with the authority that they are under. And here he’s talking of course to young children. And when I say young children, I mean children that are not married, that are living under the authority of their parents. I don’t care if you’re 18 or 20 or 22, if you live at home and your parents are providing your shelter, then you are a child that needs to obey his parents. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.”.
Now keep your place there in Ephesians 6. That’s of course our text for tonight. But go to Colossians 3. Now I’m going to go ahead and just say this, I’m going to say it one time and you guys do what you want with it alright. But I have a feeling that a lot of you dads are going to miss a lot of amen opportunities here. This chapter is going to be for the dads and then you’re not going to be able to amen at all. So, I’m just telling you, if you if you want to get some amends, you might want to do it now while I’m preaching about obeying your parents. We have a parallel passage with the book of Ephesians. And what that means, the Holy Spirit is the one who wrote the Bible and the Holy Spirit is using the Apostle Paul writing to the church. And Colossians is a very similar passage. It has a few differences and we can study together. And what you notice, what the Bible teaches about obedience. First of all, we can learn this, that children should obey their parents in everything. The Bible teaches that you are to obey, and it’s not just children, and we’ve talked about this recently, in any God-given biblical authority structure. Whether it’s a wife with her husband, whether it’s a man with his boss, whether it’s a kid with their parents, the Bible teaches that we are to obey. But it also teaches that we are to obey in everything.
Colossians 3:20 “20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.”. This sounds a lot like Ephesians 6:1. It says children obey your parents in all things. So, listen, when it comes to obedience, we cannot pick and choose when it comes to being submissive and submitting ourselves to the authority that God has given us. We must learn to obey in all things. We must learn to obey in everything. And children here are being admonished to obey in everything. But I want you to notice, and keep your place there in Colossians 3 because we’re going to be flipping back and forth the entire sermon between Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3, we saw this in the sermon about the husbands and wives where the Bible is very clear that wives are to obey their own husbands in everything. The Bible says here children are to obey their parents in all things. But I want you to notice, just like with the wives, whether it’s us obeying the government, whether it’s you obeying your employer, whether it’s a wife obeying her husband, or children obeying their parents.
There’s always this disclaimer and the Bible is very consistent about this, look at Ephesians 6:1. Notice a word “in the Lord”. Children obey your parents in the Lord. What does that mean? Well notice, again flip back to Colossians 3:18, this might remind you of when we saw this with the wives. Colossians 3:18 “18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.”. Notice the words “in the Lord”. What does that mean? It means this, you and I are supposed to obey our authority structure in everything, in every area, as long as it’s fit in the Lord, as long as it’s within the will of God. So, look, you’re supposed to obey. Kids, you’re supposed to obey your parents in everything as long as they’re not asking you to sin. If they’re asking you to sin, if they’re asking you to do something that’s sinful, that’s wrong. Then the Bible says we ought to obey God rather than men. But we don’t just get to choose “Oh no, you want me to mow the lawn? No, I’m going to.”. You don’t just get to choose and say “Well God didn’t tell me to take the trash out”. You don’t get to decide when you get to use that “Obey God rather than men”. You only get to use that when your parents are asking you to do something sinful. If they’re not asking you do something sinful then the Bible says children are to obey their parents in the Lord. The Bible says children obey your parents in all things. And this is how all authority structure works. You wives say “When do I get to disobey my husband?”. When he asked you to sin against the Lord. Other than that, you’re supposed to obey in all things as it is fit in the Lord.
So, children should obey their parents in everything. And children should obey their parents as it is fit in the Lord. Go back to Ephesians 6. We’re going to come back to Colossians here in a minute but let me just explain this. The Bible teaches that there is an authority structure. God created three institutions. He created the home, he created government, he created the local New Testament church. And in those institutions, he created a structure of leadership. But in the home, God has designed for the husband to be the leader. And of course, the children have their mother as a leader as well. That’s why the Bible says obey your parents in all things. You say well how long does that go for? Does it go until I grow a whisker on my chin? Does it go until I have a license?
The Bible teaches that you would forsake father and mother and cleave unto your wife. So, you are to obey your parents in everything until the day you get married. And you know young men sometimes struggle with this because they start getting older and start getting muscles and start getting jobs and start thinking that they’ve got some Authority. Look, you’ve got no authority in the home. You are to obey your father in everything. You say well, why would I want to do that? One big reason you might want to do that is because the Bible teaches that you’re going to reap what you sow. And if you’re just a rebellious little punk to your dad, guess what? One day you’re going to have a rebellious little punk that’s not going to listen to you. What makes somebody a great leader is the fact that they can be a great follower. You cannot be a great leader one day until you first learn to be a great follower. So, you know, when does the authority end? When you walk down an aisle and you take responsibility for a wife and a responsibility financially to provide for your home. When you leave father and mother and cleave unto your wife. Then you’re no longer under the authority of parents. But until then, the Bible says obey your parents in the Lord in everything.
You say what about young ladies? Well look, a young lady is supposed to go from the authority of her father to the day that her father gives her away to her husband. And then she goes under the authority of her husband. This is how God designed it. This is how God planned it. There’s not supposed to be any time when just some young ladies out there just doing whatever she wants. Now we realize that we live in a fallen world and those circumstances don’t always work out in every situation and we get that. But God planned for it to be this way. So, we are to obey parents, kids in the Lord in everything. And those are of equal importance and everything as long as they’re not asking you to sin. Look, if your parents forbid you to go to church, well you don’t have to listen to that command. Or I forbid you to read the Bible, you don’t have to listen to that one. Because God already commanded you to do certain things. But other than that, you are to obey your parents in the Lord in all things.
You say why? Because it’s pleasing to the Lord. Ephesians 6:1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.”. And note what it said, “for this is right”. This is the right thing to do. This is what God has called you to do. Colossians 3:20 “20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.”. It is pleasing to the Lord when children are obedient. It is pleasing to the Lord when children obey their parents. So, you should obey your parents, kids in everything, in all things as it is fit in the Lord. Because it’s pleasing to the Lord. Go back to Ephesians chapter 6. I’m going to teach you something maybe you haven’t seen this before in Scripture. But I want you to see, and I believe that there is a shift here where the Holy Spirit is speaking to children, but he’s talking to younger children. And then he’s talking to adult children. And again, how I define younger children as kids that are not married that are living at home. The Bible says here that you should obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.
But then in verse 2 it says this “2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;”. And I’d like you to go to the book of 1st Timothy chapter 5. And let me just say this, the word honor means to give high respect or to have great esteem. Now of course I believe that young children should honor their parents and that should go without saying. But what I want you to notice in this passage is that I believe that verse 1 is referring to children who are still living at home, who have not been married. That they are to obey their parents in the Lord and all things. And then verse 2 is referring to children that are adults that maybe left the home, that have grown up, that have gotten married. The Bible still commands every child, even adult children. Notice, the Bible does not teach that once you leave the home you have an obligation to obey your parents. Look young lady, when you get married your obligation to obey is to your husband, period. And your father can’t step into that relationship and start dictating what he thinks. And look, mom and dad, if you’re smart, you stay out of trying to impose your will upon your adult children. Obviously, hopefully you’ve developed a good relationship with your children and they’ll talk to you and they can ask you for advice. I think you should give advice. I think you should but as far as commanding them “I forbid you to”, once you marry them off, that responsibility, that authority is gone.
And adult children are not commanded to obey their parents. But they are commanded to honor their parents. Honor thy father and mother which means you should give them a high respect. And you should hold them in great esteem. And of course, I think most people agree with that. But I want you to notice that the reason that I believe that adult children are commanded to honor their father and mother is because I do believe in the Bible. And I’m going to show it to you that this word honor carries with it a financial obligation. There’s a financial obligation here to care for your parents especially in older age when they are unable to care for themselves. Young kids are told, hey, you need to obey your parents. And then older kids that are married, they’re told you need to honor your father and your mother.
You say what does that mean? Well it means you should respect them. It means you should hold them in great esteem. But there’s also, if you study this word in Scripture, you’ll find that there is a financial connotation or obligation that you see in the scripture. Let me show it to you. 1 Timothy 5:3 “3 Honour widows that are widows indeed.”. What’s a widow? A widow is a woman whose husband has died. The one that’s supposed to provide for her is dead. Here the Bible says we are to honor widows that are widows indeed. Now a widow indeed is a widow who literally has no one in her life, who has no form of financially providing for herself and that meets certain qualifications. That in those cases, the church should actually provide for them financially. And I’m not going to preach on that, you can ask me about that if you’d like. I mean it’s very clear what the Bible says about that.
But before you even go there, before you can even have the church start caring for a widow, the Bible first says this in verse 4. “4 But if any widow have children or nephews,”. So, the first priority of who should take care of a widow are her children or nephews. And the word nephews there in our King James Bible is more referring to like a grandchild but it could definitely be a nephew as well in the way that you and I would call a nephew. It says “4 But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents:”. That would requite means to make appropriate return for their parents. “for that is good and acceptable before God.”. The Bible says that if any widow have children or nephews, let them first to show piety at home and to requite their parents, to make appropriate return.
What are they talking about? It’s talking about the fact that when you were a baby, your mom and dad took care of you. They fed you when you weren’t able to. They bathed you when you weren’t able to. They changed you when you weren’t able to. They took care of you when you weren’t able to. And then God says that we have an obligation to also care for our parents when they are unable to. And we see this word honor comes up with that financial obligation. “3 Honour widows that are widows indeed. 4 But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.”. And I want you to notice just the word honor and the financial obligation and connotation that goes with it. Look down at verse number 17, same chapter. Now the widows thing should be pretty obvious. But the Bible also says about pastors “17 Let the elders”. The word elder is referring to a pastor. Elder, Pastor, Bishop, these terms are used interchangeably throughout Scripture. So, talking about the pastor of a church, “Let the elders that rule well be counted worthy of double honour,”.
And you say oh yeah that means that we’re supposed to esteem them highly for the word sake. Well absolutely. I believe that the Bible teaches that. But I want you to notice that there is a financial obligation here “Let the elders that rule well be counted worthy of double honour, especially they who labour in the word and doctrine.”. Notice verse 18, “18 For the scripture saith, thou shalt not muzzle the ox that treadeth out the corn.”. And we’re not going to turn there but in 1st Corinthians 9, Paul quotes this in that passage where he’s talking about the fact that pastors and those who minister should get paid for the work they do. That’s what he’s talking about. He says the scripture saith thou shalt not muzzle the ox that treadeth out the corn. He’s saying if the Ox is working then let the Ox eat. If the Ox is working then feed the Ox. He says thou shalt not muzzle the ox that treadeth out the corn. Notice, “And, The labourer is worthy of his reward.”. So, this word honor has this connotation. And here he’s like, double honor. He says let the elders that rule well be counted worthy of double honor, especially they who labor in the word and doctrine.
You say well, why would it say double honor? Here’s what he’s saying, he’s explaining the fact that not every Pastor is created equal. There are some pastors that are better than other pastors. And he’s saying look, an elder that rules well is worthy of double honor. And then he says especially they who labor in the word and doctrine. He’s saying look, if you have a pastor… Because if you go to other churches and if you travel or whatever, you’ll find that often this is the case with pastors, you have a pastor who’s a really good preacher and speaker but he’s just a terrible administrator. He’s unable to rule well. Nothing’s organized. They get up and preach but the church is disorganized. But then you also find that you have these pastors who are terrible preachers but they’re really well-organized and really run the church well. There’s a pastor I’m thinking about, this guy has a huge Church. The guy can’t preach himself out of a wet paper bag. Whenever I listen to this guy preach, I think to myself how in the world did so many people come to this church? But you know he’s really well organized. He really loves his people. He is a really good pastor. He’s a really good shepherd. He just doesn’t preach really well. But here Paul is saying when you can find a guy who can rule well, and they labor in the word and doctrine, he’s saying give that guy a raise. That’s not common to find someone who can administer and also preach.
He said let the elders that rule well be counted worthy of double honor, especially they who labor in the word and doctrine. For the scripture saith, thou shalt not muzzle the ox that treadeth out the corn and the laborer is worthy of his hire. So, I want you to notice that the word honor has a financial obligation. Honor widows that are widows indeed. And he says to requite their parents, to make appropriate return. He says you’re supposed to give the Pastors that rule well, and especially those who labor in the word and doctrine double honor. Go to 1 Peter 3. Let me show this to you in verse 7. Sometimes people get offended when you talk about pastors that are lame. But look, it’s true. Most businesses or every business has a business owner or a CEO and somebody’s running it. But some businesses have CEOs that are better than other businesses. Better managers than others. It’s true of the church world as well. Not every pastor is created equal. 1 Peter 3:7 “7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife,”.
Now look, as a husband you are absolutely supposed to give respect and great esteem to your wife. But it’s interesting that God uses the word honor in regards to this. Because God tells the wife that she is to reverence her husband, that she is to submit to her husband. The husband needs to honor his wife which means to give high respect or to hold in great esteem. But I believe he uses that word because husbands are also supposed to provide for their wives financially. So, once you notice that in all of these relationships, there’s a financial obligation. Whether it’s children, grandchildren or nephews caring for the widow’s financially, caring for them physically, he says to honor. Whether it’s the church paying the pastor, he uses the word honor. Whether it’s a husband caring for his wife, he uses the word honor. “7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”. Why does he use that word? Here’s why, because with the word honor there is this connotation of an obligation to care for your parents. So, children who are living at home with their parents, they are to obey their parents. And then adult children are supposed to honor their parents which means to hold them in high respect and great esteem. But they’re also supposed to care for their parents when their parents are unable to care for themselves. They are to requite their parents, to make appropriate return for what was done for them.
Just this past Sunday my wife was having a talk with Ms. Joyce and my wife loves talking to Ms. Joyce. She used to be a pastor’s wife in India. She has a lot of insight for my wife and a lot of encouragement. And she dealt with a lot of the same things that people deal with in ministry. And my wife is talking to her because Vijay’s been gone in India with this lockdown. He hasn’t been able to come back. And of course, we’ve gone and visited with her and all those things. But I’ve been asking her just how she’s doing. She said “I’m fine. My kids are taking care of me”. And she made the statement, “I took care of them when they were little and now, they’re taking care of me.”. And she said, “I could have just dropped them off at a daycare and gone off to work. I chose to stay home and I cared for my children and now they’re caring for me”. And you know, that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to be that you care for your kids and then your kids care for you. So adult children are to honor their parents which means to give them high respect and hold them in great esteem. But it also means to care for them financially and to care for them physically when they are unable to care for themselves.
Now go back to Ephesians and notice that this word honor also holds a promise within. There’s a promise associated to Ephesians 6:1 of honoring your parents. “2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;”. The reason he says honor thy father and mother which is the first commandment with the promise is because of the fact that “honor thy father and mother” is part of the Ten Commandments. And it’s the first commandment that has a promise or a blessing associated with it. Exodus 20:12, “12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.”. Look, the Bible says that you should honor, that you should respect, that you should have great esteem for your parents, that the Lord would bless you. And I believe it also talks about the fact that you should care for your parents when they are unable to care for themselves. And God says if you do that, I’ll promise you, look so many teenagers need to get a hold of this verse, if you keep giving attitudes to your parents, God might kill you. The point is this, that God promises that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. God says honor thy father and mother.
Ephesians chapter 6, go back to verse 2. “2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;”. It’s even better, and we’re in in the New Testament, the way he says at verse 3 “3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”. God says I’ll give you a long life and I’ll make sure your life is well if you honor thy father and mother which is the first commandment with promise. Go to the book of 2 Corinthians Chapter 12. Children that are younger children, meaning they live at home with their parents, are not married, they are to obey their parents in everything in the Lord, as it is fit in the Lord, because it is well pleasing to the Lord. And then older children that are living out of the home and outside the home, then they are to honor, they are to honor their parents. And that means that they’re supposed to esteem them highly. And that means that they are also to respect them. And that means that they are to physically care for them when their parents aren’t able to care for themselves.
Let me just explain this really quick, you say what if a kid never gets married? When’s the cutoff? And I’m just telling you this is my opinion. This is an opinion the Bible doesn’t specifically command this but you know I look at the life of Jesus and you do see that at the age of thirty, the Lord Jesus Christ basically went on his own, started his ministry. And there was even a transition there where he was caring for his mother. Because on the cross, when he was dying, he made sure that that responsibility was taken care of. And he asked John to care for his mother. So, I do believe that there’s a point, not with a girl, the Bible teaches clearly that until she gets married, she has to be under the authority of her father. The Bible even teaches us in the Old Testament that if her husband dies, and she goes to live back home with her parents, that she’s now under the authority of her father again. But with a male, they can get to an age. And you know I would look at that age of 30 because that’s what the age of Jesus was where they would, if they haven’t been married yet, go off on their own.
And I just want to you know because people are going to ask me that question. So, let me answer you in advance, let me just say this about caring for your adult parents, the Bible teaches that we should have an obligation to do that. And no matter how your parents have prepared for the future, you should just have it in your mind that you’re going to care for them when they are unable to care for themselves. That you’re going to requite them when they cannot care for themselves. But let me just say this, that does not mean that parents should just plan on being a financial burden to their adult children. Now look, if that’s where you are at in life, you say, man I just got saved last week, I’m like 80 years old. You know I’m putting away in my 401k but it’s just not going to be much. Your kids, let them take care of you and God’s got a blessing for it. But honestly, if you’re listening to this and you’re like 28, you’re 30, or 36, you’re like sweet, my kids are going to take care of me. You know the Bible doesn’t teach that. The Bible teaches that we should prepare for the future. And I’m not preaching on finances. I’ve preached a lot on that. It teaches that we should leave an inheritance for our children and our children’s children. So, we shouldn’t get to old age just being completely broke if we can help it. And obviously there are situations that happen. And we understand that providentially, if you’re not able to help it then you just can’t help it. But God wants us to try to be prepared.
Let me show this to you from scripture. 2 Corinthians 12:14. “14 Behold, the third time I am ready to come to you;” This is Paul speaking. “and I will not be burdensome to you:”. He is using an illustration and I want you to notice the illustration, but I want you to notice the context of the illustration Paul is referring to. The fact that he’s going to come to the church in Corinth, he’s ready to come to you he says, and he says I will not be burdensome to you. He said I don’t want to be a financial burden on you. He says I’m not coming so you can take care of me. I’m coming, I just want to see you, I want to be with you. Then he uses this illustration. He says “for the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children.”. He says the children shouldn’t have to be saving up money for the parents. He said the parents should be the ones that are saving up money for the children, leaving an inheritance for the children. So yes adult children are to care physically for their parents. And they should care financially for them if their parents find themselves unable to take care of themselves. But we as parents should be preparing for the future and not just have this mentality where I’m just going to be a financial burden to my kids.
Let me just say this, and you guys have heard me talk about this, but this is something that you know my wife and I experienced with her grandmother. My wife’s grandmother passed away several years ago. But for the last few years of her life, she lived with us. She was 92 years old. She was living up in Washington and just the way that things had worked out, situations that her kids were in and how it worked out in life, there’s just nobody to care for her. And if nobody could care for her then she would just be put in a home. And you know the question was asked if she could live with us. And you know the Bible says, hey children or nephews, right. And you know grandchildren, so we said yeah, absolutely. She was 92 years old. She lived with us for a while. And you know there was a lot of work that came along with that because she was basically bedridden. And my wife had to make meals for her every day of course, three times a day. And my wife had to bathe her and my wife had to change her and my wife had to care for her. And we were happy to do it. And I think that God’s going to bless us for it.
But I will say this though, there was a lot of expenses that came along with that. She had doctors that had to come to the house, nurses had to come to the house and medication. And her husband had set aside. He had already died but he just set aside for the future and financially they were able to take care of everything. And I’ll just tell you, for a 27-year-old with four little kids working. I think at that time I was working part-time for the church along with my secular job, it would have devastated us financially to have to pay for it. It was already a lot of work to care for her physically. If we had to also come up with an extra thousand or 1,500 every month to care for her financial needs, we wouldn’t have been able to do it. So, it was a blessing that they had prepared financially. So, I’m just trying to help you understand. Yes parents, your kids are supposed to care for you physically. But if you can, plan for the future so you’re not just a financial burden on them. And of course, if you end up being a financial burden, God’s going to bless them for it. That’s why he puts a promise with that command to honor your parents.
Go back to Ephesians 6. Let’s shift gears here and talk about the fathers. So, he first talked about the children. He talks to younger children and says obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. And he says you need to obey them in all things. And you need to do it as it is fit in the Lord, as it is in the Lord as long as they’re not asking you to sin. Then he looks at adult children. He says honor thy father and mother which is the first command with the promise. That it may be well with thee. And we learned that that has to do with taking the care of them physically and for their physical needs. Then he begins to talk to fathers. So, he talks to children about the authority that they are under which is their parents. Then he talks to fathers about the authority that they are given. Notice what he says in verse 4. “4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath:”. Notice that he begins by giving us some don’ts for dads and then some do’s for dads. And he begins by saying, hey fathers, you don’t want to provoke your children to wrath.
I want you to notice that he says this also in Colossians 3. Go to Colossians 3. In case you’re not sure what the word wrath means, as explained in Colossians 3:21 “21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger,”. Now let me just say this, this applies of course to both parents, but I think he is talking to fathers because we as fathers are the ones that tend to have a short fuse and to just kind of lose our temper and to yell and all those things. And he says look, fathers, provoke not your children to wrath. He says fathers provoke not your children to anger. And look, there in the Bible you have the commands that are given in a positive light, things you should do. And then there are commands that are given in the negative.
And look, in the Bible, the negative commands are way more important. And don’t misunderstand me, obviously everything in the Bible is important. But when something is stated in the negative, my wife has taken analysis training for speech, and they teach in that type of training is that that which is spoken in the negative is doubly important. And it’s true in Scripture. When God tells you to not do something, you want to pay attention when it’s given in a negative. And here God is telling father’s, provoke not your children to anger. This is not something you want to do. Provoke not your children to wrath.
You say well, what does that mean? How can I keep from provoking my children to anger? Go to Proverbs chapter 29. How can I not provoke my children? So how do I keep from that? There are two things that I want you to notice. The first is this, that we are not to discipline our children in anger. And I want you to notice in the Bible, and there’s a lot of passages we could look at, I’m not going to take them to do that, but I’m going to show you a couple. Proverbs 29:15 “15 The rod and reproof”. Reprove is something that you give with your mouth. You give reproof. It’s talking about communicating. But the rod is talking about like a stick, okay. What is that referring to? It’s talking about the fact that God expects you to beat your children. You say I don’t like that word. Well that’s a Bible word. And obviously when I’m talking about beating your children, not like a drunk dad comes home and beats his kids. It’s not referring to that. But it’s talking about the fact that you’re supposed to spank your children. You’re supposed to administer a physical punishment. He says “15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.”. The kids that embarrass their mom at the store out in public, it is because they’re not receiving the rod. It is because they’re not receiving the rod and reproof. They need to be physically spanked for the things that they do. And he says the rod and reproof give wisdom but a Child left to himself bringing his mother to shame.
Go to Proverbs 23:14 “14 Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.”. So, when the Bible talks about disciplining your children, it often uses this idea of the rod. Because you’re physically supposed to take a rod and beat them. Or a belt or whatever. But notice, we’re not supposed to do this in anger. Look at Proverbs 22:8 “8 He that soweth iniquity shall reap vanity:”. I want you to notice these words. “and the rod of his anger shall fail.”. Now look, the rod & reproof give wisdom. Thou shalt beat him with the rod and shall deliver his soul from hell. The rod is a good thing. As parents we’re supposed to take the rod and we’re supposed to discipline our children with the rod. But notice, some people think well, I beat my children, it’s not working. You know I beat them and I spanked them and they still have a bad attitude. They’re still rebellious. Well notice, here’s why the rod of his anger shall fail. When you spank your children, when you discipline your children in anger, all you’re going to reap from that is resentment, is bitterness, is anger. Because we’re not supposed to discipline our children in anger. The rod and reproof give wisdom, that’s true. The rod will deliver his soul from hell, yes. But you’re not supposed to take the rod in your hand in anger. Because the rod of his anger shall fail.
Go to Colossians chapter number 3. So, look, please understand this. Especially as your children get older, and I realize that there’s a lot of ways of looking at this and people have different thoughts on it. And if you’ve got a different view on this, that’s fine. Obviously, you’re going to stand before God and give an account for what was done in your home and all of that. But please understand something, my opinion, and my wife’s opinion is that as your children get older, you’re supposed to be spanking them less and less. God did not give us spanking as a tool that you’re just spanking your adult children on the day of their wedding. One last spanking because he gave me lip again. I mean if he’s giving you lip on the day, he’s getting married then he shouldn’t be getting married, okay. That’s a maturity issue.
But the point is this, that spanking your children when they’re little, you’re supposed to do that. When they’re little I’m talking about appropriate age spanking. The problem that some of you have is that you’re not spanking them early enough. A 1 year old gets a tap on the hand or a 1.5-year-old. But obviously as they get older, look a two-year-old, a three-year-old, a four-year-old, those ages, you need to be spanking a lot. You need to be developing this culture in your home, I’m mom, I’m dad, you obey. But look, if you do it right, when they’re three, four, and five, and six, what we have found is that you don’t have to spank your 12-year-old, because they just listen now. If your 12-year-old and 13-year-old are still giving you lip then ya, go grab the rod. I’m not saying not to do it, I’m just telling you the point is this, we are not raising children, we are raising adults. The point is to bring them up so that they don’t need us. So, if they can go out of the home and be the man that God has created them to be, the woman that God has created them to be.
And if you’re having to spank, I’m not trying to offend you, I’m just saying if you’re spanking your 17-year-old, you need to catch up. Something’s wrong there. You’re supposed to spank them when they’re young so that you develop a culture of obedience. So, you develop a culture of love and respect where look, your 16-year-old should just when dad says something be like, yes sir. And they do it just because they love you and because they respect you, not because you’re going to go grab a rod and beat them with it. You should have been doing that when they were 8, when they were 6. Because the rod, and here’s what I’m telling you, when you’re spanking your 17-year-old, it’s out of anger. And the Bible says the rod of his anger shall fail. So, we want to be careful. Because you’re going to create wrath in your child’s heart. You’re going to create anger in your child’s heart. But then notice, you say what are the don’ts? Don’t discipline in anger. And look, kids make you angry, we understand that. But maybe you need to send them to the room and you need to cool down, maybe you need to pray or go do something before you go and deal with it. We’re not saying to not deal with it, but you should not discipline your children in anger. It should be a very matter-of-fact, you were told to do this and you didn’t. Here are the consequences and then you spank them.
And look, let me just get in your business, alright. It should be very structured. If you don’t obey, you’re going to get four swats, okay. If 10 minutes later you’re still beating them, it’s like there’s something wrong here. That’s not that’s not what you want. It should be structured. It should be controlled. It should not be something that’s done in anger. And you know, you should never be hitting a child on their face. You never should be you know, closed fist. None of that. That is a beating, okay. That will get you in trouble legally. It should be structured. It should be disciplined. It should be cool. You say well what if I just get angry. The rod of his anger shall fail. You’re going to fail. It’s not going to work. So, we should not discipline in anger and we should not discourage our children.
Go to Colossians 3:21 “21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”. What does it mean to discourage? It means to cause someone to lose confidence or enthusiasm. You don’t want to provoke your children to anger because you don’t want them to be discouraged. And when you do provoke your children to anger, you’re going to discourage them. How do we discourage? How does that work? The way that we discourage children is by treating them like they’re less than us. And look, it’s easy to do. But because you have these kids ever since they’re our babies. You change their diapers and all these things that you did, that they don’t remember and they don’t thank you for or whatever. And it’s easy to just kind of think of them as they’re just there. And a lot of times we think of them as they’re just in the way. But you know the truth is that God gave you those children and he lent them to you. He gave them to you to raise them for him. They belong to him. Children are a heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the womb is his reward. We are supposed to care for those kids. They’re not just in the way.
So sometimes, what happens with parents is that we’ve talked to our kid like we’d never talked to another adult. Like that we never talked to another person. Like that we talked to our kids in a way that we’d never talked to any stranger. But realize your kids are people. They’re persons with Souls and emotions and feelings. And when we insult them, when we disrespect them, when we embarrass them, we criticize them, and pick them apart, we discourage them. And the Bible says hey, fathers, provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged. Do what you want. If you want to be spanking a 17-year-old, go for it. I’m just I’m trying to have the heart of my children. I want them to love me and to respect me and to have a good relationship with them. So, look, don’t provoke your children to wrath, don’t provoke your children to anger, don’t disrespect them, don’t insult them, don’t criticize them, don’t bully them. I didn’t say don’t discipline them. You need to discipline them. But discipline them in love and in control and not in anger. We cannot be harsh with our children and then expect to do what God has called us to do which is found in verse 4.
Notice what it says in Ephesians 6:4 “4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”. That’s what we’re supposed to do. Now what does that mean? Nurture. The word nurture means to care for and encourage. Admonition means to warn and advise. And when needed, reprimand and reproof. We’re not talking about not disciplining them but we’re supposed to bring them up in the care and encouragement. We’re supposed to admonish them, warn them, advise them. Look those words right there, the nurture and admonition. That basically sums up parenting. you say what do I need to do as a parent? You need to nurture and admonish. You need to care for and encourage your children. And then you also need to warn them and advise them and correct them and say no son, no daughter. That’s the wrong thing you don’t want to do. That’s not the decision you want to make. But you don’t want to do that in anger because you’re going to provoke your children to wrath. You want to nurture and admonish them. He says to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Go to the book of Proverbs if you would. Let me just read for you really quickly from this article. It’s really short. It’s called “The importance of a father in a child’s life”. And I guess the focus is going to be fathers for a while until father’s day. I don’t know why God worked it out this way but here’s what it says: “Children want to make their fathers proud and an involved father promotes inner growth and strength. Studies have shown that when fathers are affectionate and supportive, it greatly affects a child’s cognitive and social development. It also instills an overall sense of well-being and self-confidence.”.
And what the Bible says fathers is that your words carry more weight in the life of a child than probably anyone. And I’m not trying to disrespect mothers. Mothers are a big deal. But have you ever heard of people having daddy issues? People have daddy issues because there is something about the relationship that a father has with their kid. I mean think about the fact that God refers to him as the father and there’s something about our relationship with our children that is supposed to model for them the relationship that they’re going to have with God the Father. You know after salvation and for the rest of our lives. And I’m just telling you our words weigh heavy. Be careful by not provoking your children to wrath by disciplining in anger or about picking them apart or discouraging them. Because the Bible says that we are to bring them up in the nurture. We’re to care for them. We’re to encourage them. Our children should feel like we’re rooting for them. We want you to do well, we want you to do right and admonish them. We need to warn them and advise them and reprove them when needed. We’re going to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Go to proverbs right now and we’ll finish up. So here are the two big takeaways from these four verses. Takeaway number one, children should obey when young. They should obey and everything in the Lord for this is right. And older children that are married and out of the home should honor their parents. They should reverence them. They should hold him in high esteem and they should have care for them physically when their parents are unable to care for themselves. Honor their parents. And when they do that, God will bless them for it. But then the takeaway for parents is this. And specifically, father’s is that we should be gentle. We should be gentle as we give care, as we give encouragement, as we warn and advise and yes as we discipline. We should be gentle.
Proverbs 29:21 “21 He that delicately bringeth up his servant from a child”. And this is not talking about a son, just talking about an employee, talking about someone you hire, someone that works for you. “21 He that delicately bringeth up his servant from a child shall have him become his son at the length.”. Someone who isn’t even your son. Look, you want to know why sometimes kids are more influenced by a coach or by a schoolteacher or by some other authorities that are not their parent? You know why? Because oftentimes in those positions, those people are doing a better job at nurture and admonition than we are. Because they’re not going to yell at your kids and pick on them and pick them apart. But look, we need to discipline them. We need to obviously correct them when they need it. But we need to make sure that we check our attitude. Nurture and admonition are what the Bible says.
Psalms 18, if you would just flip back. If you said well why should I do all that? One big reason, because that’s how God deals with you. I mean that’s how God deals with you. God is patient with you, gentle with you, loves you. Psalm 18:35 “35 Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great.”. The psalmist looks up at God and he says, God, your gentleness has made me great. God’s gentle with you. He disciplines, he chastises, he corrects, he does it in love. He’s gentle and this is what God has called us to do as parents. That our children, our adult children would step in and say, mom, I want to honor you. I want to esteem you. In fact, I’ll physically care for you because your gentleness has made me great.
Let’s pray.