Anger Management | Part 3 | How To Deal With Our Anger
On Sunday mornings we’ve been going through a series entitled “Anger Management”. We’ve been learning from the Bible about our anger and how to control our anger. And if you remember when we started this series on April 11th, I preached a sermon called “A Theology of Anger”. We did a biblical overview of anger and what the Bible teaches about anger in general. Last week we looked at a passage in James chapter four. We dissected a few verses in James chapter four and we talked about and learned about why we get so angry and why is it that we get so upset. This week we’re going to be talking about how to deal with our anger. This is the 3rd of 4 sermons we will do in this series.
This morning we will learn on how to deal with our anger. This is a very specific subject on how to deal with our anger. And of course, we’ve already laid a foundation biblically about what the Bible teaches about anger. And we’ve already talked about why we get so angry. So, we’re not going to deal with that this morning. We’re just going to deal with the idea of how to deal with our anger. And let me begin by saying this. Our anger is a destructive force. Nothing good comes from our anger in the flesh. And of course, we know that there is a such thing as righteous indignation but the truth is that it’s very few times that you and I are experiencing righteous indignation. And the truth of the matter is that our anger doesn’t produce anything good in our lives. In fact, you’re there in James chapter one. Look down at verse number 20.
The Bible says “20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”. Our anger is destructive. Our anger will destroy. It will destroy us; it will destroy the relationships around us. James 1:19 “19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”. That’s the context as we get in to verse 20. You say why would I want to be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath? Here’s why. “20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”. James gives us these statements and they are statements that are meant to help us deal with our anger. You say how do you deal with your anger biblically? Well, we must be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. These are not 3 statements completely disconnected from each other. Instead, these three statements are connected. They are a process. They build upon each other. Our goal for the purpose of this sermon is to learn how to control our anger. And we cannot be in control of our anger until we can slow down our anger enough to keep it from getting out of control. We have to be able to slow down our anger to be able to get in front of it, to be able to get control of it.
So, I want to give you 3 thoughts this morning and I want to explain this. Point number 1 is to be “swift to hear”. When it comes to controlling our anger, the steps we must take begin with being swift to hear. James 1:19 “19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear,…”. The word swift means quick or promptly. Now I want you to know that when James says “swift to hear”, he’s not saying that you listen faster. You actually can’t listen faster because our ability to listen is dependent upon the person who’s speaking. If the person who is speaking is very slow then you can’t listen to them any faster than they are speaking. When James says be “swift to hear”, he’s not saying to listen more quickly but he means to endeavor in your heart to listen.
What does that mean to be swift to hear? Proverbs 14:29 “29 He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.”. The Bible speaks about the person who is slow to wrath as having understanding. If you’re here this morning and you say “I don’t have an anger problem then you probably have the biggest problem with anger.”. All of us have anger problems. If you say, “Well how do I control my anger?”. Well, the way that you control it is you go from being short fused to being long fused. The biblical term is to be slow. So how do we become slow to wrath? We need to take time to understand the other person.
Proverbs 14:29 “29 He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding:…”. The key to being slow to wrath is that you have a lot of understanding. You have taken the time to hear. You have taken the time to listen. You have taken the time to try to understand. Notice “… but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.”. The Bible says he that is hasty of spirit is going to exalt, is going to put folly on a pedestal. And I would say that when we are quick to wrath, when we are short-tempered, all we do is folly. All we do is foolishness. You say what does it mean to take time to understand? It means that we must seek to empathize. Empathy means to understand the feelings of the other person. Look, here’s the truth of the matter. When you’re fighting with somebody, when you’re in conflict with somebody, if it’s your wife or husband, you call them all kinds of names and say insulting things. But the truth is you didn’t marry an imbecile. I mean you may call them an idiot but you married them for a reason. The truth is that if they are upset then it’s probably for a reason.
Here’s the thing. Empathy does not mean that we agree but it means that we take the time to see it from their perspective or point of view. We take time to figure out why they are so upset. The Bible says “29 He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.”. What does this mean? You can be slow to wrath if you take the time to understand. We must seek to empathize with others. We must seek to understand and put ourselves in their position. The truth is that if I get upset about something or somebody, my wife will try to help calm me down. And one of the things that I’ve learned is when you stop to think about the way that person was raised, past trauma, I’ve been blessed by God for my upbringing, I realize why they do or say certain things. The Bible talks about having a goodly heritage and we should be thankful if we do have that good upbringing. Me personally, I’ve been highly blessed of God in the sense that I was raised by my mom and dad. I was raised in a home and a lot can’t testify to this. I’m not picking on you if you grew up in a home that wasn’t like that but I didn’t see my parents fighting with each other growing up. I’m sure they did but they were smart enough not to do it in front of us. I grew up an Independent Fundamental Baptist. I’ve grown up under this type of preaching.
Sometimes I look at the way people in our church and our types of churches deal with relationships and I wonder how they can hear this type of preaching and make so many mistakes. Then I can only imagine what unsaved people might be doing out there and how they’re dealing with situations. All I’m saying is that if I would have been raised in a single-family home like how some others have been raised or where they came from and their background, maybe that can add some context to what they’re dealing with. It’s called empathy seeking to understand the feelings of others. We must seek to see things from the point of view of the other person, from the perspective of the other person. The first step to controlling anger is being slow to wrath, becoming of great understanding. The Bible calls it “swift to hear”. It is the idea that you take the time to try to see what the other person is seeing. It doesn’t mean that at the end of the day you walk away agreeing with them. It doesn’t mean that there’s still not a conflict there but it at least helps you to understand their reaction a little better. God gave you 2 ears and 1 mouth so it seems like God wants you to do twice as much listening than you do speaking. Some of us act like we have 2 mouths and 1 ear. If we’re honest then we should admit that we tend to see things from our own perspective and not think about the other person. James said the person who is slow to wrath is of great understand but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly. The truth is that if you want to be slow to wrath then you must be swift to hear.
Let me read this little article for you. “Psychologists and neuroscientists have identified a phenomenon in human beings called the self-serving bias also known as the vein brain. This condition causes our brain to embellish, enhance and aggrandize us whenever we are challenged. Our self-serving bias or vain brain excuses our faults and failures and keeps us blind to our own inadequacies. They did research on it and they found that people when asked will usually rate everyone else as a terrible driver and rate themselves as an above average driver. In fact, they took the survey of people in the emergency room who had recently been extracted from their vehicles due to a collision that they caused and they still identified themselves as an above average driver. This is a self-serving bias. This is the vain brain. We think we’re better than we really are. We tend to be blind to our own inadequacies. We tend to make excuses for our faults and our failures. We tend to embellish and enhance and aggrandize our position.”.
And here’s the interesting thing about the self-serving bias and I’ve preached about this in the past and we could preach a whole sermon on it. “But when it comes to the self-serving bias or the vein brain in the context of conflict, it serves against us in our ability to be swift to hear. The self-serving bias or vein brain in regards to conflict, here are the characteristics. When we disagree, we begin with the assumption that there’s only one right answer. If we for whatever reason don’t have the right answer, we will find it by proving the other side wrong.”.
Some of you have already stopped listening to me. Tell me that this doesn’t sound like the average marriage. “We listen only to find flaws in the other person’s arguments and in order to build counter arguments. Because after all, we know we are right in the situation. The self-serving bias keeps us blind. It keeps us from seeing our own fault and seeing the problems. It keeps us from seeing our own issues and taking responsibility for our own actions. It embellishes and enhances and aggrandizes our beliefs.”.
But if you want to be someone who is slow to wrath then you must be of great understanding. You say well how do I do that? Well, you can’t do that until you take the time to listen to them. Go to Proverbs 18 if you would. Being swift to hear means that you don’t jump to conclusions. It means that you don’t make assumptions. It means you take the time to listen to the other side. Proverbs 18:13 “13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”. The life verse of the average conflict that happens within people’s lives is that people jump to conclusions and assumptions. This is the exact opposite of what God tells us to do. The Bible tells us to try to understand. How do you do that? Take the time to be swift to hear. It means you don’t jump to assumptions and conclusions. Being swift to hear means that you may find that you are wrong or incorrect. Have you ever heard of the phrase “having egg on your face”? Being swift to hear will keep you from looking foolish. Because he that is slow to wrath is of great understanding but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.
Proverbs 25:8 “8 Go not forth hastily to strive,…”. By the way, that’s not a suggestion but a command. “8 Go not forth hastily to strive, lest thou know not what to do in the end thereof, when thy neighbour hath put thee to shame.”. Sometimes we make assumptions. We jump to conclusions and we just jump into a fight and we start saying things and doing things and at the end of the battle it becomes clear to everybody that we didn’t know what we were talking about. It becomes clear that we were completely wrong. Before you get mad at somebody, make sure you take the time to ask them questions in a non-judgmental and a non-aggressive way. Why don’t you just say in you hear that there must be a reason why they’re doing this. There must be a reason why they said that. There must be a reason why they’re going about it this way. Maybe you won’t agree with it but at least you can see it from their point of view. James says that we must be swift to hear, slow to wrath. You cannot understand until you take time to listen. Listening means we don’t jump to conclusions. We don’t make assumptions. Listening means we might find that we are wrong or incorrect. We might find that we made the wrong assumption.
How can I control my anger? Step one is we must be swift to hear. Step 2 is found in James 1:19.
“19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”. So, we need to be swift to hear and that means we take the time to listen and to empathize, to understand, to put ourselves in the other person’s position. We might not still agree with them. But at least we understand the situation, the circumstances, the details. It might mean we don’t jump to assumptions or conclusions. It also means we might find out that we are wrong. Sometimes our self-serving brain leads us astray and maybe we’re not as good as we think we are. We should be swift to hear. Then he says “slow to speak”. Here’s the truth. You cannot listen until you stop talking.
Proverbs 17:27 “27 He that hath knowledge spareth his words:”. This means that they use their words sparingly. What’s a man of understanding? Someone who takes the time to listen. Someone who takes the time to know. Someone who takes the time to get knowledge or get facts. “…and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.”. The word excellent means good or outstanding. You look at some people and they just have an excellent spirit. The Bible says that Daniel had an excellent spirit. What does that mean? It means that he had a good or outstanding spirit. By the way, the excellent spirit is the opposite of the spirit that someone with a short fuse has which is crabby or irritable. People say “I don’t understand why people don’t want to be around me.”. Because you’re a jerk.
“27 He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. 28 Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.”. This is someone who takes the time to hear and listen and see things from the other’s perspective. I always think it’s funny how people get angry when you preach on anger. I mean if there’s a clue that you need the sermon then that is probably. The Bible says that we must be slow to speak. You cannot listen until you stop talking. Why does that matter? Here’s why. Because you will keep from saying and doing the wrong thing when you stop.
Proverbs 21:23 “23 Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.”. To keep means to guard, to refrain, to hold back. The truth is that most of our troubles in life are because we opened our mouths. Proverbs 13:3 “3 He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction.”. Open your mouth wide is saying that you let everything come out of your mouth that is in your brain. We need to learn to put a filter between our brain and our mouth and realize that not everything we think has to be said out loud. You’ll destroy your relationships. You’ll destroy your reputation. You’ll destroy your testimony. You say why do I want to stop talking? Because you can’t listen until you stop talking. You will keep from saying the wrong things when you stop talking.
When you take the time to listen, you take the time to understand and think. When you do, it will help you respond properly. Proverbs 15:2 “2 The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.”. Fools don’t put a filter on their mouth. They just let it all come out. The Bible says that out of the heart proceedeth all manner of evil things. A foolish person just lets everything out. A wise person useth knowledge aright. They don’t speak sometimes. People might ask them about a situation and they might not have an opinion. You say “You have to take a stance”. Well what if you don’t know all of the facts.
Proverbs 15:28 “28 The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things.”. Remember being in school, if you wanted to pass the test then you would spend time studying and learning and getting all of the facts and information. See, some of you need to do that in your marriage. Some of you need to do that with your parenting. Some of you keep getting fired and you don’t know why. Some people ask me to take positions on things and I can’t because I don’t have the facts yet. We need to take the time to understand someone else’s perspective. Now I’m not sitting here and saying that I do this perfectly and I have it all figured out. I want you to realize that. I’m studying and learning from his series and applying it to myself.
Let me give you an example from a few years ago where I messed up. We had a New Year’s Eve Service on a Saturday and we got home around 12:30. I have to preach the next day on Sunday. We have a good relationship with most of our neighbors. We had new neighbors who had just moved in 3 days prior. We get home and they are blasting music and our kids can’t sleep and neither can we. This goes on for hours and it’s eventually 3:30. My wife tells me to be calm and be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. However, I didn’t listen.
I got up and I can tell you that I was angry. I’m not proud of this but this is what I did. I drove my Honda Civic toward their house in the backyard and I turn my lights on high beams and I honked for 25 minutes. They are like, “What is your problem”. I told them why I was angry and eventually they turn off the music. A few days later I thought to myself that was so foolish. This didn’t help my relationship with our new neighbors. And we want to win them to the Lord and that’s tough if you don’t have a good relationship with them. So I’m just telling you that we can all lose our temper sometimes. We can respond in an inappropriate way. But if we would be swift to hear then it would help us. I should have understood that they aren’t saved, they grew up in a different culture. It doesn’t mean I would agree with what they were doing but I would have avoided having a confrontation with them.
Let me give you the third statement. James 1:19 “19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”. So the 3rd statement is slow to wrath. When you arrive at wrath, you make things worse. You won’t hurt anything by taking your time. By the way, that’s just a rule of life. Pretty much any time you have a decision to make, you will probably never regret slowing down. The truth is that it’s very rare that you lose out on an opportunity by going faster. In fact, usually our regret is that we didn’t slow down. This applies to anything. You dating couples that want to get married, you will have no regrets by slowing down. One of the biggest things we have when people come to my office for counseling is the statement that they moved too fast. If he is the will of God for your life then he will still be the will of God for your life in 6 months. I’m going to be celebrating 17 years of marriage soon. When you have been married this long, you don’t regret that you slowed down to make that decision. Many get divorced because they married too quickly.
We make purchases too quickly. Sales people want you to make quick decisions but it’s ok to take a night and think about it. My wife and I have a standard of never making major purchases unless we sleep on that decision over night. You will make more mistakes in life by moving quickly. When you are slow to wrath, when you’re slow to anything, you make things better and never worse. And by the way, be wary of people that are trying to push you to make a decision right now. Usually they’ve got something to gain and usually you’re the one that has something to lose. This implies in the area of marriage too. When someone wants you to rush to marriage, you have to wonder what they are trying to hide.
Proverbs 15:18 “18 A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.”. Proverbs 14:17 “17 He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated.”. When you are slow to wrath, you make things better. You appease strife. Proverbs 16:32 “32 He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.”. Mighty is someone strong, a warrior, a powerful person. He’s saying it’s better to avoid a fight than to win a fight.
Let’s put that in context with your relationships. You win the fight with your husband or your wife, you shut them down and make them feel like an idiot and prove them wrong, you listen to them only to break down their arguments. But you know it’s better to avoid that fight. It will help your marriage. It’s better to avoid that fight with your children. It’s better to avoid that fire. When we think of winning fights, we think of winning against a complete stranger. But usually we are nice to those people. It’s our friends and family and children that we fight with. You will destroy that relationship. We generally tend to be nice to those we don’t have a relationship and mean to those that we do. It’s always better not to fight.
Proverbs 25:28 “28 He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.”. It’s funny to me we tend we tend to connect meekness with weakness. Be careful about looking at somebody who’s meek and thinking they’re weak. First of all the Bible says that Moses, the greatest prophet in the Bible aside from the Lord Jesus Christ, was meek and then the Bible tells us that our Lord Jesus Christ was meek. So don’t consider meekness weakness. The Bible says if you have no rule over your spirit, you are like a city broken down and without walls.
That’s an interesting verse to me. It means when you don’t control yourself, you are allowing everyone else to control you. He that has no rule over his own spirit according to the Bible is like a city that is broken down and without walls. What were the purposes of the walls of the city in the ancient times? It was to protect them. It was to protect them from outside forces. It was to protect them from allowing people to come in and influence them and take advantage of them. And when you walk around with your short temper, you’re just allowing everyone to direct your emotions. You’re angry at the clerk at the grocery store. You’re angry at your wife. You’re angry at your kids. You’re angry at your pastor because he’s been preaching about anger for three weeks. You’re angry at everybody and you’ve got no control over yourself. Anybody can press your buttons. But someone who is meek puts up some walls of protection. They have the attitude that they will not let emotions destroy them. “Great peace have they that love thy law and nothing shall offend them.”.
When you are angry all the time, you aren’t tough. You’re weak. A city without walls or protection will get robbed and destroyed. When we learn to take control, try to see something from other’s perspective, be swift to hear and slow to wrath, we will avoid destroying our lives. We’re talking about dealing with our anger. What are the steps to dealing with your anger so you can be slow to wrath? Understand or empathize with others. Take time to listen and you will be slow to speak and swift to hear and then you will be slow to wrath. Ecclesiastes 7:9 “9 Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.”. We need to be slow to wrath if we want any chance of controlling our anger. Your anger is going to destroy every relationship you have. Quit excusing your short tempers. We need to be slow to wrath if we want any chance of controlling our anger.
Here is the truth. Anger is energy inside of you and that energy can be very destructive. We should control it. We should slow it down, control it and stop it from destroying everything around us. Psalm 37:8 “8 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.”. It’s interesting to me how those statements are connected. Because usually we do evil when we don’t cease from anger and when we don’t forsake wrath. Anger is this energy inside of you that can be triggered. Someone can be having a good day and then someone says something and out of not where you are angry. Anger is energy that can be very destructive to our relationships. Some people let it out and allow it to destroy everybody around them. Some people are like a volcano. This is not right. They allow it to destroy them. Unresolved anger eventually becomes bitterness when we keep it inside of us. I’m not getting up here this morning and saying don’t ever get angry. If you have anger inside of you then it can be bitterness. Some things need to be dealt with.
For husbands, it’s a common trait for men when they’re in conflict to just shut down. That’s why we have the existence of man caves. That’s why the Bible says men would rather be out in the wilderness than with a contentious wife. They would rather be in the corner of a house top or their garage working or something. The Bible commands us not to be bitter against our wives. Letting anger just reside inside of you is not controlling it either. What we need to do is learn to control our anger and resolve issues. Sometimes that means having a conversation about it. Sometimes there are issues you have to discuss with your spouse or children that are difficult conversations and confront them with their sin. I’m not saying to run from conflict. I’m saying control your anger and resolve it. Dealing with anger means you can release it in a non-destructive way and let it go.
You say how do I know if I have a problem with anger? Ask your spouse. Ask your kids. If you ask your spouse if you have a problem with it and they say “Maybe a little bit. Sometimes you lose your temper.”. Then you have a problem with it. You say you don’t want to have that conversation with them because you know what the answer will be. Ephesians 4:26 “26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”. I used to have a Pastor who would say you should get glad in the same shoes you got mad in. Before you take your shoes off to go to bed at night, you should resolve conflict. Listen, I’m not trying to pick on you but if you’ve slept on the couch or have been ordered to sleep on the couch, you guys aren’t dealing with anger properly. Anger should be resolved. It’s something that should be dealt with. Deal with the anger and situation in a productive way. If you’ve been giving each other the silent treatment for a week then that’s ridiculous. The Bible says “let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”. The Bible also says in Ephesians 4 “31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:”.
We can’t control situations that happen around us but we can control our response. How do you know if you’ve controlled your response? When you don’t allow your anger to spill over to the next day. People get divorced because they let anger go past a day, past a week, past a month, past a year. That’s the truth. The Bible says “let not the sun go down upon your wrath:”.
Let’s pray.