2020-05-27 Ephesians 5 – Lessons for Marriage
Alright, well we’re there in Ephesians chapter number five. This is our third week in the book of Ephesians and specifically chapter number five. And there’s been a lot to learn about and teach through in this chapter. Tonight, we’re going to finish up Ephesians 5. And next week, we’ll be in chapter 6. And of course, the end of this chapter, verses 22 through 33, are generally seen as one of the if not the most famous biblical passage dealing with marriage. This is where the Apostle Paul really breaks down the relationship of marriage. And this passage, we learn about how to be a great spouse. And we’re going to learn that tonight. I’m going to give you some lessons on marriage from this passage. And I would encourage you of course to pay attention. On the back of your song sheet, there’s a place for you to write down some notes.
Now let me just say this, if you’re here tonight, you’re married, this sermons for you. Alright. You need this. We all need this. No matter how good your marriage is, no one has attained, no one has arrived. And so, I want you to listen up because your marriage can always be better. And you should take notes and all of that. If you are here tonight and you say, oh I’m just a young person. I’m not married yet. Well good. This is for you. Because one day you may be married and you’re going to need these things. Alright. And it’s better to learn it before you need it than to learn it once you need it. So, make sure you pay attention as well. Maybe you’re here, you say the situation in my life, I’m not married. I’m not going to be married. Well you know, you might help somebody. You might have kids that are going to get married someday or grandkids that are getting married someday or you might just invest yourself into a life of others. So, these are good things for all of us to know. And at the end there’ll be an application that’s for all of us. Married or unmarried. And we’ll see it here in this passage.
But what I want you to notice is that what the Apostle Paul does in Ephesians 5. He focuses on two things for both husbands and wives. He emphasizes this idea or at least that’s how I see it or I’m going to teach it to you, he emphasizes the idea of attitude and actions. Attitude and actions. And what I mean by that is that he gives us the actions of a great wife. And what I mean by that is what a great wife does. He also gives us the actions of a great husband. What a great husband does. But then he also gives us the attitude of a great wife. How a great wife is. He gives us the attitude of a great husband. How a great husband is.
So, what we’re going to do tonight, we’re going to start with the ladies. And I’m going to give you some actions and attitudes of great wives. And then we’ll shift gears and I’ll give you some attitudes and actions of great husbands. But you’re there any Ephesians 5. Look down at verse number 22. And the Bible says this “22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” Notice verse 23, “23 For the husband is the head of the wife,” So here’s a great action or the actions of a great wife. Wives are to submit to their husbands. Now I realize that this is not a popular teaching today. Most churches you go to are not ever going to touch this with a ten-foot pole. And if they do, they’re going to explain it away. And they’re going to try to make it seem like something the Bible is not saying. But look, the Bible clearly teaches us this idea that wives are to submit to their husbands. Now what does that mean?
Well keep your place there in Ephesians 5. That’s our text for tonight. But go with me if you would to the book of first Peter. And let me just say this, let me give you three ideas in regards to what does it mean to submit. Submit means to come under the authority of their husbands. And really in whatever area we submit. Whether it’s an employee to an employer, whether it’s you know to government, whatever area that we have to submit in. That’s what it means. Submit has this idea that we come under. Like a submarine. Submit, we come under, we place ourselves under the authority. And in this case, a wife is to submit herself under the authority of her husband. Notice there in 1 Peter Chapter 3:1. The Bible says this, “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands;”. The Bible teaches that they are to be subject, under submission, in subjection to their own husbands. Look down at verse 5 “5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection” Notice these words “unto their own husbands:”.
So, the Bible clearly teaches this idea that a wife is to place herself under subjection. That she is to be in subjection. That she is to submit herself to the authority of her husband. And by the way ladies, especially the younger ladies that aren’t married, this is why you need to choose wisely who you marry. Because you are, when you get married, when you walk down the aisle, when you say I do, and you put that ring on, and say I do, what you are saying is “This is a guy I’m going to follow for the rest of my life. If I’m going to be the Christian lady, the Christian wife that God has called me to be, I’m going to submit to this individual. I’m going to come under the authority of my husband.”. Now what does that actually mean to come under the authority? Well it means this, submit not only means to come under the authority of your husband, but submit means to obey your husband. You’re there in 1 Peter 3. We read verses 1 & 5 but I want you to look at verse 6.
“6 Even as” Now with the words “even as”, he’s going to give us an illustration. He’s going to say this is what this looks like. Because he says look, I want you to be in subjection unto your own husbands. I want you to submit unto your own husbands. But then he says this “Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”. Notice that the Bible says here that Sarah obeyed Abraham. What does it mean to submit? It means that you obey. Submission means that you, if I’m going to submit myself to my boss at work, what does that mean? I’m going to obey what my boss tells me to do. And here a wife, the Bible says she is to submit herself to her husband. What does that mean? That means that she’s supposed to obey.
Go to the book of Titus. Titus 2:5 “5 To be discreet,”. And this is of course, we’re not going to read the entire passage but this is referring to the older women the elder women who are to minister to the younger women they’re supposed to teach the younger women and this is what they’re supposed to teach them “ chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.”. Obedient to their own husbands that the Word of God be not blasphemed. The Bible teaches this, that a wife is to submit. What does that mean? It means that she is to come under the authority of her husband. You say okay. Well I don’t have a problem with that. What does that mean? Here’s what it means. It means you’re supposed to obey. It means that you’re supposed to do what your husband tells you to do.
And what’s really interesting to me, because people will argue with preachers like me about this you know. We preach this and they’ll say, “Oh you’re some sort of male chauvinist pig. I can’t believe you would say that. You’re teaching women to submit to their husbands.”. And here’s the thing, and recently I’ve even done this, we teach people to submit in whatever area God has put biblical authority to your life. Submission is not a bad thing. It’s not degrading. The Bible says that Jesus submitted himself unto the authority God. The Son submitted himself under the authority of God the Father. So, submission is a good thing whenever there is a biblical, godly authority in our lives. But look, the Bible says that we are to submit now. Today you’ll have these women who want to argue with you. And these women’s rights movements say “I can’t believe you’re telling wives to submit”.
But here’s what’s interesting; That same group tells all these women to go off to work somewhere and then they get some boss and they have to submit to that guy. Because here’s the thing, not every woman out there in the workforce is working for women. And whenever they’re working for a man, they are submitting to that guy. “Well is there anything wrong with that?”. Well here’s the point. Here’s what’s interesting is that in this passage, the Bible, the Holy Spirit, he emphasizes something. You don’t have to turn back to these passages but in Titus 2:5 he says this “obedient”. And then he says this “to their own husband”. In first Peter 3:5 he says, “after this manner, in the old time, the holy women also who trusted in God adorned themselves being in subjection”. Notice these words “unto their own husband”. 1 Peter 3:1. “likewise you wives, be in subjection to your own husband”. Ephesians 5:22, “wives submit yourselves unto your own husband”. God brings this up and says “Look, you got to submit to your own husband”. Today we got it backwards. Women say, “oh I’ll never submit to my husband”. But I got to go submit to somebody else’s husband. No, you know, the Bible says you got to submit to your own husband”. And not submit to somebody else’s husband.
And by the way, I’m not preaching about this, but let me go ahead and say this. There is an idea out there, I don’t know where it came from, and I’m not going to allow it to be a part of Verity Baptist Church for sure, but this idea that “Oh you know, all women are supposed to submit to all men”. The Bible doesn’t say that. And you got these young guys today, where some 20-year-old guy expects my wife to submit to him or something. You got another thing coming. And you say, oh yeah are you threatening me? Look, you don’t have to worry about me. Try to tell my wife what to do. You might get knocked out. You know she’s very submissive to her own husband. She’s not going to sit there and listen to some other guy. And look, the Bible says that women are to submit to their own husbands. And obviously we ought to be respectful in situations and use common sense. But the idea is this, that we are to submit. And today we say “I can’t believe you’d ask me to submit to my husband”. But yet there are hundreds of thousands of women submitting to somebody else’s husband’s going to work somewhere else. So, look, the idea is this, that you are to submit. You say, “Well, what is the action of a great wife?”. The action of a great wife is that she would submit to her husband. What does that mean? It means that she is to obey.
Go back to Ephesians chapter 5. Now let me just tease this out a little bit. We’ve already talked about this recently so I don’t want to spend too much time on it. But let me go ahead and just make the point, how far should a wife take the obedience thing? How far does that go? How far do you take that Ephesians 5:24? The Bible says this, “24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their” Notice the consistency. “own husbands” Notice these words “in every thing.”. You say “Oh I’m supposed to obey him. But how far do you take that in everything. Doesn’t it say in some things?”. It doesn’t say in the things that you agree with. It says in everything. And you say, “Well you notice that my husband’s an idiot. And I know more than he does about this situation or that situation or finances or childrearing or whatever”. It may be. Here’s the thing, you may be right. But he’s still your husband and you’re supposed to submit to him. What does that mean? It means that you’re supposed to obey.
“How far does that go and everything?”. Now look, if a husband was wise, he would take counsel from his godly wife. If a husband was wise, he wouldn’t mess with things that don’t matter to him. In our house, my wife puts everything where she wants. I have no opinion. I could not care less. I couldn’t care less about how the furniture is, how the frames are, how my wife says “I want to change the way the frames look”. I don’t care. I could say “I’m the man of this house. Bless God. Put it 6 inches over.”. I could do that. But why would it matter? Look guys, be smart about taking this too far. And there are some things that don’t matter. Just let your wife do whatever she’s going to do. Whatever she wants to do in the areas that don’t matter. Look, every time I walk into the kitchen, I have to ask my kids where do we keep the spoons? Where are the cups? I don’t know. It doesn’t make a difference to me. Whatever she wants, it’s fine. So, look. you got to be wise and smart. But the Bible teaches that wives should obey in everything. Now that does have an exception.
Go to Colossians 3. And we’ve already talked about this recently but I want to make sure we cover it. There’s an exception. Colossians 3:18 “18 Wives, submit yourselves” Notice that consistently in the Bible “unto your own husbands,” But then he gives this little caveat. “as it is fit in the Lord.”. He says you ought to submit yourself to your own husband. How far do I take that God? In everything and everything. Well, as it is fit in the Lord. What does that mean? It means this, that if what your husband is asking you to do is not a sin, then you submit. If your husband’s an idiot and says “No I want the frame there. I want the couches to be arranged this way.”.
Whatever. If that’s your situation, then you obey. Then you submit. Then you do whatever your husband tells you to do as it is fit in the Lord. But as soon as your husband asks you to do something that is a sin against God, well then, the Bible says that we ought to obey God rather than men. So, look, we don’t get to just go to that “obey God rather than men” every time that biblical authority tells us to do something. You understand that we only get to go to that “obey God rather than men” every time biblical authority tells us to do something that is a sin. So, no matter how stupid the request is, no matter how dumb or how you think you’re smarter, you are to obey all biblical authority. Whether its children obeying their parents, whether it’s a wife obeying our husband, whatever the area is we are to submit. Which means that we are to obey.
How far do we take that? In everything as it is fit in the Lord. As long as it doesn’t, as soon as it doesn’t fit within the realms and the boundaries of what the Lord has asked us to do, then we obey God rather than men. You understand? So, look, you don’t help your husband bury a dead body, okay. You don’t help them sin. You don’t help them, you know, set up a mob ring. There are certain things that you just say “Hey, we ought to obey God rather than men”. But as long as they’re not asking you to do something that is sinful, then you obey. Go to Genesis 2. And I’m dealing with the ladies to begin with. And know, I’m going to transition to the men.
Let me just say this and I’ve said this already. Recently, in regards to in other contexts, but when it comes to submission, and the only time you say “Oh I’m submissive”. Okay, well there’s only ever really one time, there’s only ever really one time that you get to prove that. In fact, in any biblical Authority structure, I’m a submissive employee, I’m a submissive Church member on whatever situation, there’s only really one time we get to prove that, it is when your authority asks you to do something you don’t want to do. You don’t agree with. You think when your husband says “I want you to make this certain dinner”. And you’re like “Well, I was going to make that anyway”. That’s not submission. That’s just agreement.
But if your husband’s like, I want you to make this certain dinner and you’re like “No, you’re eating Hamburger Helper”. You’re not being submissive. Being submissive, being obedient, only actually works when your husband or your biblical Authority is asking you to do something that you don’t agree with, that you don’t want to do, that you don’t like, and you decide and you choose to submit yourself under the authority anyway. So, what does it mean to submit? It means that you place yourself under the authority. What does it mean to submit? It means that you obey. How far do you take that? In everything as it is fit in the Lord. What does it mean to submit? It means that you support your husband. It means that you support your husband.
Genesis 2:18 “18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” And by the way, this verse is about marriage. I’ve heard people use this verse about quarantines. That’s ridiculous. Alright. It’s not good for a man to be alone. So, you have to go to the grocery store. Whatever. That’s weird. This is talking about being married. I will make him a help meet for him. The Bible said, it’s not good for a man to be alone. I will make him a help meet for him. What does the term helpmeet mean? It means a help suitable for him. It means a help that is helping him. And look, the Bible says that that when a wife submits to her husband, part of that is that she submits, she brings herself under the authority. What does that mean? She obeys in everything as it is fit in the Lord. But what that also means is that she supports her husband. She becomes a help.
So, like if you say my husband’s a loser, well look partner, that’s your fault. Because you’re supposed to help him succeed. You’re supposed to help support him. You’re supposed to be his help meet. And help him to be the man that God has called him to be. So, the Bible says I will make him a help meet for him. Go to Genesis chapter 3. Look at verse 16. And I’ll just show you one more verse about this before we move on to something else. And I just want to say this, the Bible teaches this. That God puts a longing in a woman, whether women want to admit it or not, and most women admit this. I would say I preached this for years and most women say yeah, you’re right about that. It’s just the butch dykes out there that want to disagree with this. But the Bible says that God put a longing in a woman for her to want to willingly submit to a man that she loves and respects.
Genesis 3:16, notice what the Bible says. “16 Unto the woman he” Referring to God. “said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.? The women, the Bible says, God has put in them a desire. A desire to have a husband that she loves, that she respects, that loves her, that takes care of her. She wants to willingly submit. So that’s why for years there’s been stories about princesses waiting for their shining White Knight or whatever. It’s because that desire, that’s why little girls…You don’t teach them these things. I’ve got four little girls. Nobody ever taught them this. They play weddings and mom. You know they take turns where one’s the mom and the other one. And then the other ones the kid. Why do they do that? Because God put that desire in them. Because God put a desire that they would want to submit to a husband, that they would love, that they would respect. Go back to the book of Ephesians 5. If you learned about the action of a great wife, you say what do I got to do to be a great wife? One word, submit. And obviously there’s a lot that goes into that. Well you know, the key word in Ephesians 5 here is to submit.
Let’s talk about the attitude of a great wife. What is the attitude of a great wife? Ephesians 5:33 “33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself;” Notice these words. “and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”. What is the attitude of a wife, of a great wife? It is an attitude of reverence. Great wives not only submit to their husbands but they reverence their husband. What does the word reverence mean? It means to respect. It means to honor. Go back to 1st Peter 3. Look at verse number six. 1 Peter 3:6 “6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham,” She submitted herself. She obeyed Abraham.
But notice, we see Sara’s action. She obeyed now. Let’s look at her attitude “calling him lord:”. Now the word “lord” is an older word. When we think of the word “lord”, we think of like a religious connotation. But in the Bible times, here the word “lord” simply meant, it would be like calling him Sir. It’s a title of authority. You’re the boss. And here the Bible says “Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him Lord”. What’s interesting, and we’re not going to take the time to do it, what’s interesting if you go back to the story that’s being referenced to here, when she called him, she didn’t even say it out loud. It’s not like she was talking to Abraham. She actually, if you look at the story, she says it in her heart. She’s just thinking about her husband. And she says my lord. She refers to him as her Lord. And it shows you why Sarah was a wonderful wife. Because of the fact that she was a great wife in action. She obeyed Abraham. But she was a great wife in attitude calling him Lord. She reverenced her husband.
1 Peter 3:2 “2 While they behold your chaste conversation” This is talking about godly women. Notice. “coupled with fear.”. And again, the word fear there is in reference to reverence or respect. The Bible teaches that a great wife will reverence their husbands. Now this is something, this is a biblical teaching that has been lost in in many churches today. But let me explain to you why this is, men are wired to respond to respect. In fact, there’s been studies done on thousands of men and they have found that men, and they study this in marriage, they study this at work, they study this in different areas, men would rather feel respected than they would feel loved. If a man is asked, would you rather feel loved or would you rather feel respected? Most men, the majority of men, and of course there’s always exceptions out there, are going to want to feel respected. The way that men are able to be communicated to, to engage them, is to give reverence to them or to help them feel respected.
In fact, let me just say this, and some of you are going to know this just from your own marriages or whatever, when men feel disrespected, they usually shut down. When they feel like they’re being treated like a child, when they feel like they’re being belittled, when they feel like they are being insulted or disrespected, usually men’s response to that is that he just completely shuts down. Because men are wired to respond to respect. They want to be respected. So, God says to women in this passage, on this great passage on marriage, he says “Hey wife, let me give you a little hint. Your action should be submission. Your attitude should be reverence”. You want to be a great wife, you want to have a great husband, you want to have a great marriage, you need to submit and you need to respect and you need to obey and you need to show reverence.
Go back to Ephesians 5 if you would. Let’s shift gears, to the husband’s we talked about the actions and attitudes of a great wife, what are they? Submission, which means you place yourself under the authorities, you obey. How far do you take that? In everything as it is fit in the Lord. And you support your help meet. You help him succeed in life. You were the help suitable for him. You were put there to help him. And then we have the attitude, what is it? Reverence, respect. You show respect. You don’t belittle. You don’t insult. You don’t minimize. You show reverence. You say, I don’t like that. Well, look, you can do whatever you want with it. I was trying to help you and your marriage here. I’m just teaching you what the Bible says and I’m telling you what every marriage knows to be true whether it’s succeeding or whether it’s failing. This is what a good wife does. She submits and she shows reverence.
What about a husband? The attitudes and actions for a husband. The attitude of a great husband is this, that husbands are to love their wives. Notice Ephesians 5:25, “25 Husbands, love your wives,”. Husband’s love your wives. Now it’s not enough for God to tell a man to love his wife. So, he really has to spend a few verses here and breaks this down. First, he tries a spiritual approach and he says look, what does that love look like. It looks like this, sacrifice. Husbands are to love their wives and they are to love sacrificially. Notice Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”. And how Christ loved the church. What did he do? “and gave himself for it”. He sacrificed himself for it. He died for the church.
And then God says, husbands, you need to love your wife like Christ loved the church. What does that look like? That looks like sacrificial love. That means that if someone has to get the bad end of the deal, husbands you’re going to take the bad end and you’re going to make sure your wife gets the good end. You understand that means that if anybody has to suffer, if anybody has to go without, if anybody has to sacrifice what they want, where they want. You’re going to say, I love you with sacrificial love. I love you like Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. So, I’m going to sacrifice myself for my wife. He gives a spiritual application now. I think God realizes that would probably go over most of the men’s head.
So, then he gives a second application. A little more carnal. Notice verse 28. First, he says in verse 25 that need to love your wife sacrificially. Then in verse 28 he says you need to love your wife selflessly. Notice verse 28, “so ought men to love their wives” Notice, “as their own bodies” Now he tried to go the spiritual route and say yah – love your wife like Christ loved the church. Now he gives another example. Let me tell you something that you’ll understand, love your wife the way you love your own body. And everybody’s like ok. I get that one. I understand that. So, ought men to love their wives even as their own bodies. Notice, “He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” And what he’s saying here guys is, hint-hint, it’s in your best interest. “Happy wife, happy life”. Alright. He’s saying look, he that loveth his wife loveth himself.
Notice verse 29 “29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:”. What’s he saying is this, you’re supposed to love your wife sacrificially. You say, I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what that looks like. Look at it this way, you love yourself. Look at the way you take care of yourself. Look at the way you nourish and cherish yourself. We would call that selfish love. Then turn that thing around and do that to your wife. That’s selfless love. Notice verse 33 “33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself;”. He says “and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”.
See, in the same way, please understand this, in the same way that men were wired to respond to respect more than love, women are wired to respond to love. When a guy doesn’t feel respected, he shuts down, and when he shuts down, what he communicates to his wife equals no love. When a wife doesn’t feel loved, especially if she’s not a spiritual wife, a submissive wife, they’re going to respond with disrespect. And it creates this vicious circle of not feeling loved, not feeling respected, not feeling loved, not feeling respected. And if somebody doesn’t end that vicious circle, it ends up in divorce. The Bible says that we ought to love our wives even as our selves. Go to Colossians. Women are wired to respond to love. You say I love my wife. Well what are you sacrificing for her. Ok. Well look at how you love yourself and then just do that for your wife.
Colossians 3:19 says this “19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”. Now why does is say that? Because when a husband does not learn how to properly love his wife, she will probably not show the respect, the reverence in return. And a lot of husbands end up getting bitter at their wives. And you say, my wife doesn’t respect me. Well that’s your fault. Now, I’m not trying to pick on you. I’m just telling you; you can change that. Because if you show the proper love to your wife, and it may be a long time for some of you but she will begin to show reverence. We talked about the attitude of a great husband. What is it? It’s an attitude of love. What does that mean? It’s sacrificial and it’s selfless. Let’s talk about the actions of a great husband.
Look at Ephesians 5:23. What’s the action of a great husband? The attitude of a great husband is love selflessly and sacrificially. The action of a great husband is this, husbands are to lead their wives. Ephesians 5:23 “23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.”. Now let me just say this, one of the biggest issues that we have in marriages in rearing children is a lack of men taking the leadership role. By and large, men are dropping the ball which is why we have all the problems that we have in our society.
You don’t have to turn there but Joshua 24:15 says “15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”. And here we see that Joshua was not just a great political leader, a great military leader, but he was a great family leader. He said but as for me and my house we will serve the Lord.
Let me tell you something men, we need you to step up and be the leader that God has called you to be. Your wife will submit. She actually is designed whether she wants to admit or not, she has a desire to have a Prince Charming that she could follow, that would protect her, that would love her. But you need to step up and you need to lead. The husband is the head of the wife. So, what does that mean? What does that look like? Well look down at verse 26, lead means you provide for her spiritual needs. Ephesians 5:26 “26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it”. Talking about the church. But this is being used as an analogy of marriage. “with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”.
Let me tell you something man, it is your job to be the spiritual leader of your home. You need to pastor your home. One of the reasons that God gave a qualification to a pastor of a church is that he is to have his children in subjection. That he’s supposed to have his home life in order. That he’s supposed to rule his own house. How can a man rule the house of God if he can’t rule his own house? So, look, you say, “oh I don’t want to be a Pastor”. Okay, that’s fine. But the point is this, you need to be the spiritual leader of your home. You need to help your wife grow spiritually. Your children grow spiritually. You need to be like Joshua and say “but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”.
So, you need to lead. What does that mean? It means that you are to provide for your wife’s spiritual needs. It also means this, go to first Timothy chapter 5. It means that you’re supposed to be the spiritual leader. The Bible says “34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. 35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home:” You know what that implies is that you’re spending enough time in the Bible, you’re spending enough time with God, that you’re spiritual enough. But your wife could ask you, now we realize that not everybody has all the answers. And your wife might ask you a question and you don’t know. And you come to the pastor. Look, I understand that. I’m not talking about that. The point that I’m making is this, God expects you to be spiritual. God expects you to read the Bible. God expects you to pray. God expects you to be growing and maturing in your spiritual walk. And then he expects you to be the spiritual leader of that home. To be the head. To be the leader. It means that you provide for your wife’s spiritual needs.
But secondly, it means this. That leading means you provide for her physical needs. 1st Timothy 5:8 “8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.”. The Bible says that you’re the one that’s supposed to bring home the bacon. And you’re supposed to provide for your wife’s physical needs. Go back to 1st Peter chapter number 3. Let me give you a third one really quickly. What does it mean to lead? It means that you provide for your wife’s spiritual needs. It means that you provide for your wife’s physical needs. It means that you provide for your wife’s emotional needs.
First Peter 3:7 “7 Likewise, ye husbands,”. Notice what he says. He just got done telling the wife, she needs to reverence him. You need to call him Lord. He says “dwell with them according to knowledge,”. What does that mean? That means that you’re supposed to know your wife. That means you’re supposed to know your wife better than anybody in this world knows your wife. Obviously, God being outside of this world. You’re supposed to dwell with them according to knowledge. When you got married, you decided that you enrolled in your wife’s name. University ___. And your job is to get to know the wife, that girl, that lady, your wife. Your job is to know her. To know what she likes. To know what she doesn’t like. To anticipate her. To know what she thinks. To know her thoughts, her desires. The Bible says that you are supposed to dwell with them according to knowledge.
But you say, well how do I do that? Well you’re not going to do it by working on the car in the garage all night, every night. You’re not going to do it by sitting on the couch and watching TV or watching YouTube videos all night. There’s only one way to get to know somebody. It’s to spend time with them and to talk to them. You’re supposed to meet the emotional needs of your wife. You’re supposed to dwell with her according to knowledge. Let me let you in on a little secret. You’ve heard me preach this. You’ve already heard this men. Generally speaking, men seek companionship. What does that mean? It means that they want to have someone with them, to share an experience with. Understand that men seek companionship. So, they want to have someone with them to share an experience. Two guys go hunting for a week, get on a truck drive for eight hours, have no conversation other than the occasional grunting. They sit there for four days like this saying nothing. Get back in the truck and get back home. You wife asks, how was it? It was a great time.
2 women who do that, they hate each other. I mean, if 2 women did that, they’d be mortal enemies. Men and women are not created the same. Men seek companionship. They want to share an experience of someone. That’s why they like sports. That’s why they like war. That’s why they like hunting. They just want someone to be there with them to share and experience with. Ladies generally seek communication. They want someone to share their thoughts. their feelings, their emotions with. Look, I’m just telling you, you won’t have a good marriage. If you’re smart, you’d listen to what I’m telling you right now. Guys, you need to get better at communication. And ladies, you get better at companionship. When your husbands asked you to come out here and spend some time with him. He’s working on the car and you’re like, “Why am I here?”. He just wants you there to share an experience with you.
And when your wife sir, wants you to just sit on the couch and talk with her, talk. “How are you? What do you think? How was your day?”. Alright, talk about the kids, talk about your marriage, talk about your work situation, talk about what they’re going to do. Look, women have an emotional need to communicate and God commanded you sir to dwell with them according to knowledge. That’s what it means to lead. So, you lead by meeting her spiritual needs. You lead by meeting her physical needs. You lead by meeting her emotional needs. Go back to first Peter chapter three. And you guys, let me just say this to you, and maybe you can remember this, here’s your responsibility, you love your wife. How do I do that? Selflessly and sacrificially. Be loyal to your wife. Jesus said that “whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart”. You need to be loyal to your wife. The only woman in my life is this woman right here.
You say, well my wife, she won’t follow me. And she won’t take my lead and all these things. Let me explain something to you, we need to lead from a position of moral authority. The only way that you can lead is when you love your wife properly and when you’re loyal to your wife properly. And you say, oh well, I’ve never cheated on her. Ok, but are you loving her? Well I love her. But are you being loyal to her? These are areas that we as men need to work on. When you lead, you must lead from a position of moral authority. By the way, that’s true of every area of leadership. You want to pastor a church? You better Pastor from a position of moral authority. You want the respect of your employees; you better not be telling them to not show up late when you’re showing up late. We must lead from a position of moral authority. The only way to lead properly, to lead and not be hated by those who follow you.
So, what does a husband do? What are the actions of a husband? He leads which means he meets his wife’s spiritual needs and physical needs and emotional needs. He loves. What does that mean? That means that he gives his love sacrificially and selflessly. Here’s what we’re not saying, I’m not saying that husbands should not respect their wives. Just love your wife but don’t respect your wife. That’s not what we’re saying. In fact, the Bible says the opposite.
1 Peter 3:7 “7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge,” Notice “giving honour unto the wife,”. What is the word honor? It means respect. To see them in a high regard. To give them a high esteem. So, the Bible’s not saying women need love but don’t need respect. Or that men need respect but no lover. That’s not what the Bible is saying. Both need love and respect. God commands you to give honor unto the wife, which means to give her a place of high regard, esteem, respect. So, we’re not saying wives don’t need respect. We’re also not saying husbands don’t need love. You say “my husband would respond to respect and not love”. Yeah, but he needs love also.
Go to Titus 2:4 “4 That they may teach the young women” This is the older women teaching the young women “to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,”. The elder women are supposed to teach the younger women how to love their husbands. So, we’re not saying that husbands should love their wives but not respect their wives. We’re not saying that wives should respect their husbands but not love their husbands. You need both. What I am saying is this, when you look at the passages of marriage, the over emphasis on the wife’s part for the husband is to reverence or submit. And the over emphases for the husband towards the wife is to love selflessly, sacrificially. Why is that? Because men respond men respond when respect is communicated to them. And they shut down when disrespect is communicated to them.
Women respond when love is communicated to them and they shut down when love is not communicated to them. You say, oh my husband doesn’t love me. Maybe try showing a little more respect. Oh, my wife doesn’t respect me. Maybe try showing a little more love. In marriage, stop worrying about what the other person is doing. Just worry about what God has called you to do. You say, he’s crazy and he makes some weird decisions but I’m going to submit and I’m going to reverence and I’m going to honor him and I’m not going to disrespect him.
What’s interesting, God created your husband in such a way that when you do that, he wants to start loving you. It’s this vicious cycle circle and if one or both could just say, I’m going to do what I’m supposed to do, your marriage would be wonderful. Because that’s how God designed it. Women who do not give respect usually do not get love. And men who do not get respect usually do not give love in return. And we realize that there’s a lot of aspects that go into that. But in this quintessential marriage passage, the main emphasis is this, husbands, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands. Now here’s what’s interesting about Ephesians 5, what’s really interesting about Ephesians 5 to me is this, that in this quintessential marriage passage, the most popular, the most famous marriage passage in the Bible, it’s actually not about marriage at all.
Ephesians 5:32. “32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.”. I’ve actually not been talking about marriage this whole time. Everything I said applies to marriage. Everything I said, it’s true of marriage. I’ve just been using marriage as an example because I’ve actually been trying to teach you about the relationship between the Lord Jesus Christ and His Church. This is a great mystery but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, he says, nevertheless he said, I’ve actually not been preaching about marriage this whole time. I’ve been preaching about the church. What does that mean? That means that we as a local New Testament church are to submit to Jesus Christ. Well how do we do that? Well here’s the word, we submit to his word. We bring ourselves under the authority. We obey. We listen to the Word of God.
And then you know what God does, he washes us in his word. He sanctifies us in his word. He cleanses us in his word. Paul says, I’ve not actually been talking about marriage. I was just using marriage as an example. He says, this is a great mystery but I speak concerning Christ and the church. He says, but you know, since I used the example, let me just go ahead and say this, verse 33 “33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”. And that verse 33, you want to have a biblical marriage. a good marriage, a happy marriage, figure out how to do this in verse 33. If you’ll do it, you’ll make it. It’ll be everything God designed it to be. Because God designed marriage to be the beautiful picture, the beautiful illustration of the relationship that the Lord Jesus Christ has with his church.
Let’s pray.