A Faith-Full Family Series (Part 3) | How to Properly Discipline Your Children
Alright well we’re there in Proverbs 22. And we’ve been going through a series on Sunday mornings entitled a FaithFull family. We’re learning principles from the Word of God on how to have a family that’s growing in the Lord, growing spiritually, and full of faith. And we’ve been talking about this idea of children over the last couple of weeks. We started this series talking about breaking generational curses, establishing generational blessings. Last week we talked about raising children that love the Lord. And we saw the story of Eli there with his sons and Samuel. We’re going to go back to the story of Eli just for a brief moment this morning. But this morning I want to speak to you about a very specific subject. I want to preach to you on the subject of how to properly discipline your children, how to properly discipline your children. And you know, our church is blessed in the sense that we have a lot of young families, a lot of kids here, a lot of families that are in the stage of raising their kids and in the process of disciplining their kids. This sermon is very applicable to them. And if you have children that are living in your home, I want you to listen today. And we’re going to give you several statements. I’d like you to write them down.
But maybe you’re here this morning and like I said last week, and you don’t yet have children. And maybe that’s something that the Lord might bless you with in the future. Well the you need to write these things down too so that you can learn it, so you can be ready for it when it comes. And maybe you’re here and maybe you’re not in that stage of life or your children are now gone. Well you may be a grandparent. You need to be reassured or reconfirmed or maybe taught these things as well because you can pass these things down to your grown children and make sure that they understand it for your grandchildren. Or you can just pass it down to any young couple you know. When you get to that stage where your kind of an empty nester, where you no longer have kids, we should really be focusing on investing in young couples and young people, in the next generation coming up. And that’s a subject for another time. The point is this, this a very needed sermon. I want you to write these statements down.
I want to give you this morning 4 steps for properly disciplining your children. I want to say this, if you were not here for last week’s sermon you should really go back and listen to that sermon. Because that sermon is coupled with this sermon. They are connected in the sense that we’re talking about discipline. this morning and how to discipline your children. But that’s not all parenting is about. Last week we talked about having the heart of your children and training your children and teaching them right. So, you really need both aspects. So I would encourage you to go back, and maybe you were here that last week but you should refresh that from time to time. But I want you to learn this morning in regards to properly disciplining your children, scripturally disciplining your children.
The first statement is this, or point number one is this, you need to confront the problem. When it comes to disciplining your children, you need to confront the problem. And what I mean by that is you need to not make excuses for your children’s behavior. We’re talking about how to raise children that are well behaved, how to raise children that are polite and that are respectful and that are thoughtful and kind. And the first step is to confront the problem. Look at Proverbs 22:15 “15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child;”. That word bound means to fix in place, to tie up the same way that you would if you were storing something; Like on the roof of a car with cords or something like that. The Bible says that foolishness is bound in the heart of a child. Now you can separate foolishness from the heart of the child but they come to you with foolishness. Here’s what you need to understand, children come to you as sinners, children come to you with a sin nature. They come to you and already have the ability to sin, the ability to be foolish, the ability to do wrong. And they get it from you. They get it from mom and they get it from dad. Why? Because they got your sin nature and you got your sin nature from your parents and all the way back to Adam. That’s why we are sinners, we were born sinners, we are sinners. The Bible says foolishness is bound in the heart of the child.
And here’s what I want you to understand, if you’re going to have children, if you’re going to have children that are going to be well behaved, the first step is you’re going to have to quit making excuses for your children. Because what I have found over the last seven years of ministry is that parents will often make excuses for their children’s bad behavior. When children are acting up and when they are doing wrong, instead of confronting the problem and just realizing there’s an issue with this child, parents make excuses. We need to confront it and correct it. And listen to me, usually we excuse our children’s behavior because of the fact that we are embarrassed by our children’s behavior.
Look at Proverbs 29:15 “15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.”. And look, please don’t misunderstand, you know sometimes when you preach, you make statements. And people can take those statements out of context. Or realize that somethings said might not work all the time. And please understand this, I realize, I understand that sometimes children are tired. They didn’t have a good night’s rest and that causes them to act up. Sometimes they’re hungry, that causes them to act up. We understand that. But please listen to me very carefully. I get that, that is true. But if every time your child disobeys, what’s coming out of your mouth is “Oh he’s just tired, she’s just hungry,”. At some point it’s like well put them down for a nap or feed them. Because it seems like it’s not just something that happens every once in a while. It seems like every time they’re in church they’re acting out. Every time you go to the grocery store, they’re throwing a fit. If every time you’re in public they’re embarrassing you, every time you’re at the bank they’re bringing their mother to shame, instead of making excuses you need to just decide as a parent that you are going to confront the problem. Quit making excuses. Realize that there is a problem here. And here’s the good news, the problem can be corrected. The problem can be fixed.
Proverbs 22:15 “15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child;” A child is born with foolishness in their heart. They’re born with a sin nature. They’re born with a tendency or a leniency towards doing wrong. But here’s the good news, the rod of Correction shall drive it far from him. See, the Bible says that there is a solution. And listen to me very carefully, God is wiser than you and I. God is smarter than you and I. God created you, God created me, God created your children. And you need to just stop making excuses for your kids and realize that there is nothing extra bad about your children, there’s nothing extra energetic about your children. All children are bad. All children are energetic. And the Word of God has a solution for all children. It doesn’t say foolishness is bound in the heart of the child but the rod of Correction shall drive it far from them unless they have ADD. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. I’m just saying that’s not what it says. It doesn’t say well, all children except for your children because your children have a little more energy.
And look, please understand there are different children with different energy levels. I mean I’ve told you before, we’ve got a certain daughter and she’s got more energy than all the other kids put together. And she’s got more stubbornness than all the other kids together. But you know what the Bible says, the rod of Correction shall drive it far from any child. And your child is not any worse than any other child. Your child is not any more energetic than any other child. Your child can be taught to be well behaved. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings but I’m trying to help you out. The problem is not with the child, it’s with the parents. And if you start developing this habit where you’re constantly excusing your children, eventually you’re just going to be that parent whose kids are in prison.
Recently my wife was telling me about a news story she saw on her phone about this serial killer. This man that killed you know seven different people. And he locked them up in this crate and these cages and he tortured them. And he did all these things and they interviewed his mother. And his mother said well, he wasn’t doing it because he’s evil, he was just angry. She was just excusing her child. But listen to me very carefully, that’s how you raise a serial killer. That’s how you raise a psychopath where you’re just constantly excusing them “Well they’re just tired. Well they just need a nap.”. They slash your vehicle tires but they’re just a little cranky because I got them up early. No, you need to just confront the problem. And maybe you’re here this morning and your child is a problem. Maybe they’re not well-behaved. Maybe they are disrespectful, maybe they’re not obedient and they’re not listening. I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down. I’m just going to tell you that step number one is confront the problem. Quit making excuses, realize that foolishness is bound in the heart of the child but the rod of Correction shall drive it far from him. It shall drive the foolishness far from him.
Go to Proverbs 13:24. Parents need to decide. And I’m talking to the parents in this room right now. You need to decide today that you will quit making excuses for your children and you will begin to properly discipline them the way that God has called you to correct. Proverbs 13:24 “24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”. Notice these words “betimes”. This means early, it means they get on it early in life. It means they’re not trying to deal with a nineteen-year-old that’s rebellious or a seventeen-year-old that’s rebellious. They’re dealing with the three-year-old and a four-year-old and a seven-year-old. The Bible says he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
Go to Proverbs 19:18. Some of you parents need to make this your life verse right here. “18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”. Please don’t miss the urgency of this verse when it says “while there is hope”. This means there is a day when there is no longer hope. There comes a time in the age of a child where your parenting is done. When you’ve taught them all the character and integrity and discipline that you’re going to be able to teach them. And the left, the rest, will be left to the police department or the United States military or whatever. Because you don’t get to raise them for the rest your life. And I’ve noticed with parents, there comes frustration in their lives with their adult children. Because they’re trying to do with their adult children what they should have been doing with their toddler. The Bible says chasten thy son while there is hope and let not thy soul spare for his crying.
So how do you raise children that are well behaved? How do you raise children that are well-mannered and proper and obedient and respectful? Well step number one is you confront the problem. You quit making excuses. And look, I realize, I get it. Kids get tired, it’s true. Our kids get tired and get cranky or whatever, I understand that. But you need to come to the place where you’re not excusing your child’s behavior and you’re confronting the problem head-on and you’re saying we’re going to deal with this. So what’s step number one? Confront the problem. Step number two, commit to win. Commit to win. There must be a commitment on the part of the parent to win. You say what do you mean by that? I mean don’t give in.
Ephesians 6:1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.”. It is right for children to obey their parents in the Lord. Notice verse 2 “2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;”. The Bible tells us that the commandment to honor thy father and thy mother is the first commandment that God gives us with a promise. Meaning, children listen up, if you keep this commandment, God promises, there’s a promise attached to the commandment of honoring thy father and thy mother. What’s that promise? Verse three “3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.”. God says if you honor your parents. You say what does it mean to honor your parents? Well, as a child it means that you obey your parents. Why? Verse number two is in the context of verse number one. As an adult it means that you care for your parents when they are no longer able to care for themselves. That’s a sermon for another day. But if you say the word honor, you’ll find that honor is often attached to a financial taking care of. And that’s what the Bible is referring to there.
But I want you to notice God says children. And of course honor means to respect with reverence your parents. He says children obey your parents in the Lord for this right. Honor thy father and mother which is the first commandment with promise that it may be well with thee and that thou mayest live long on the earth. You know I don’t worry too much about trying to eat healthy in our home. And my wife cooks all sorts of nutritious meals and organic and all of that and we try to be healthy. But you know what my biggest plan for living long on this earth and having a good life is? Just honoring my parents. Because that’s what the Bible says. You know so I’m just going to drink that coke and just say pray a prayer for my parents and say Lord bless my parents as I drink this soda. That it may be well with me and that I may live long on this earth. Because there’s a promise there. You say “Do you really believe that I believe everything this book says?”. I believe that the rod will get rid of foolishness in their heart. And I believe that God will keep his promises and help you live long on the earth if you obey your parents.
But I want you to notice verse 1. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord:”. Why should they obey their parents? Not to help the parent, not to make things easy for the parent, but because “for this is right”. Because it’s the right thing to do. Listener, it is right for children to obey their parents. Go to Colossians chapter 3:20. Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3 are kind of parallel passages. He says it again. He says “20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.”. It is well pleasing unto the Lord that children obey. So he said “Well what does that have to do with committing to win? What does it have to do with not giving in?”. Here’s what I mean by committing to win. It means that the parents will win every time over the child’s will. See, whenever there is conflict with a parent of a child, whenever there’s rebellion or disobedience or a child is throwing themselves on the floor or throwing a fit, whenever there is a conflict between a parent and a child, it is a conflict between the parent’s will and the child’s will.
The parent has a certain will for their child. They desire that their child clean up the toys. The child has a different will. Their will is to go play outside. The parent has a will that the child makes their bed. The child has a different will. They want to go do something else. They want to go to the park. They want to do whatever. So here’s what Jesus said. Whenever there’s a conflict between mom and dad and child, if you are going to raise children that are well behaved, that our obedient, that are not bringing you to shame, that are not embarrassing you at the bank, embarrassing you at the grocery store, embarrassing you at church, embarrassing you in the airport, embarrassing you wherever it is you are, embarrassing you at the restaurant, you’re going to have to commit to win every single time.
Go to 1 Samuel 3. If you remember the story of Eli last week. We’re going to just look at one verse really quickly. But I want you to notice remember Eli did a terrible job at raising his own children but he did a great job at raising Samuel. We talked about that last week. We talked about why that was and the fact that Eli understood that Samuel was borrowed. And we talked about the fact that all of us need to understand that our children are borrowed, they belong to God and we’re going to return them back to God. But I want you to notice what God says in regards to one of the failures of Eli as a parent. 1 Samuel 3:13 “13 For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth;”. Notice what God says about Eli in regards to children. “because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not.”. You say why was Eli a failure? Eli was a failure because of this fact, that when there was a conflict, when there was a conflict between Eli and his two sons, when there was conflict of wills where he desired, they do one thing and they desired to do another thing, he lost. He was not able to restrain them. He was not able to control them.
And please listen to me, this happened in the life of Eli. It did not start when his boys were adults and fornicating and committing adultery. It started when his boys were little and he asked them to do something and they threw a fit. And he asked them to do something and they chose not to. And he asked them to do something and they threw themselves on the floor or they made some big scene. And you need to understand this, if you’re going to be the type of parent who’s going to raise children that are well behaved, you need to commit to win every time. When there is a conflict between mom and the child or dad and the child, dad and mom have to be committed to win that conflict. Every single time bad behavior in a child stems from the conflict of wills, the conflict between the parents will and the child’s will, you must make sure to win. Whenever the conflict happens, you have to win every single time.
Committing to win means this though, and this is why this doesn’t happen, listen to me very carefully. This is why you go to the grocery store and you see some child ask for some candy bar or some toy and mom says no and the child begins to cry and the child begins to throw themselves on the floor and the child begins to call their mom names. And mom says no you’re not getting the candy bar. No you’re not getting the toy. And the child begins to scream louder or begins to hit mom. And the child begins to run away and finally mom says fine, just take the candy bar. Now who won that conflict? Now you say well why does that happen? Listen to me very carefully. That happens because mom does not have a commitment to win. You have to be committed mom and you have to be committed dad to win every conflict with your child. And what that means is that you’re willing to be inconvenienced in order to win.
See we have a rule in our house. Mom will leave the grocery store; mom will leave that cart there full of groceries and drive home and take care of business and come back and finish doing the grocery shopping. You say well why would you do that, all that inconvenience to go down and take them somewhere privately and discipline that child and make sure that they obey and then come back and finish. Why would you do that? Here’s why we do that. Because we’re committed to win every time. I mean we will walk out of the restaurant, we will go to the van, we will take care of business, and you say “Well your food will get cold”. We don’t care. You say why? Because we’re committed to win every time. There’s not going to be a time when we will give in to them. They will submit and give in to us every single time.
And listen to me very carefully. The reason you lose publicly, the reason you do not win publicly is because you are not winning privately. See here’s what happens to mom. Child throws a fit at home but at home nobody’s watching. It’s just you and your kids. All your kids are bad. They’re bad and have no shame so you give in to them. They slap you in the face and you give in to them. They want something and you say no, they want something you say no but you give in to them. You give in to them all the time at home. Then it happens at the grocery store. Now you’re all embarrassed but you know why it happens at the grocery store? Because it happens at home. If you learn to win privately you won’t have to win publicly. If you learn to win privately, the instances that you have to go out to the car will be few. Obviously when they are at certain ages, you have to discipline them all the time. And you’re training them and we understand that.
But listen to me, if you’re going to have children that are going to be well-behaved, you have to number one confront the problem. You have to quit making excuses and realize there’s an issue here. There’s a problem too. This child is rebellious. This child has foolishness bound in its heart and we have to drive it away. But it’s not just enough to realize there’s an issue here. Then you have to be committed to win every conflict. You’re going to win. Why? Because you’re mom. You’re going to win, why? Because you’re dad. That means you leave the grocery store. That means you walk out of the restaurant and take care of business and come back in. That means that you leave Church early if you have to. Whatever it might be, you have to be committed to win. So what does it mean? What are the steps to having well-behaved children? Well number one you confront the problem. Number two you commit to win. You don’t make excuses and you don’t give in. You don’t make excuses and you make sure you win every time. Now look, you can’t win nine times out of ten. You can’t win seven times out of ten. You got to win every time. Ten times out of ten.
You say Pastor, what are the steps to training well-behaved children? Well number one, you confront the problem. Don’t make excuses. Number two, you commit to win. Don’t give in. Number three, consistently discipline. Consistently discipline. What does that mean? Don’t be lazy. Look, you can’t only commit to win, you have to commit to consistently discipline. Proverbs 23:13 “13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.”. The Bible says withhold not, God is commanding you not to withhold correction from your child. If they need correction, you give it to them. Proverbs 23:13 “13 Withhold not correction from the child:”. Proverbs 13:24 “24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”.
People will say, oh I can’t spank my child. I love them too much. No, if a parent ever says that to you, that individual is a liar. You say well how can you say that? How do you have the authority to say that? Well number one, the Word of God says “24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son:”. But listen to me, more than that, when someone says they love their child too much, here’s what they really mean, they love themselves too much to spank them. They love themselves too much to get off their rear end, off their couch and go take care of business. They love their computer chair and Facebook too much. All my kids went upstairs ruining the ruining the house and destroying things but they love themselves too much to deal with it. Because the Bible says “24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”. The parents that actually take the time to discipline their children, God says those parents actually love their children. You say “If I don’t discipline my child, if I don’t spank them does that mean I hate them? Is that what you’re saying Pastor Jimenez?”. That’s what Solomon is saying in proverbs 13:24. That’s what the Word of God is saying.
Now remember we saw the mistakes of Eli. What were the mistakes? He did not restrain his children. He did not control his children. He did not win when combat arose between him and his sons. His sons won. But there’s another thing that we can see from Eli in regards to his failure as a parent with his own children. 1 Samuel 2:29, notice what the Bible says. “29 Wherefore”, This is God again speaking to Eli. “Wherefore kick ye at my sacrifice and at mine offering, which I have commanded in my habitation;” Notice what he says “and honourest thy sons above me,”. God said, you know what, I told you to do certain things and you’re allowing your children to go against what I said. And that means you honor them more than me. Look, if God said to spank your children and you say “No I love my children so much.”. You’re going to raise a Hophni and Phinehas. You’re going to be an Eli. Get ready to have some children of Belial coming out of your house. Because God said the problem with Eli is that he honored his sons more than he honored God.
And listen to me. There are all sorts of Christians out there who love their wife, who love their children, who love their grandchildren, who love their job, who love Sunday morning football games, who honor all sorts of things more than God. You say should we love God more than our children? Absolutely. You say, oh I can’t believe you said that. Look, if you put God as number one in your life, you will be a good father, you’ll be a good mother, you’ll be a good husband, you’ll be a good wife. In fact, you will be a better husband when you love God more than your wife then if you just loved your wife more than anything else. You will be a better parent when you love God more than your children. When you get your priorities in order, you’ll actually end up being more successful in those areas than making an idle of your children or making an idle of your spouse. Here Eli failed because he honored his sons above God.
When God tells you to do certain things and you say, well I can’t because I love them so much. No you don’t. You must learn to consistently discipline. Please listen to me very carefully, I’m going to make several statements that people will take out of context and get all offended, which is fine. I’m used to that. But please listen to everything I’m going to say. I’m going to make these statements. I want you to listen to all of in this context. Number one, dads need to discipline and not just leave it to mom. Dads need to discipline and not just leave it to mom. They need to be willing to come home after a full day of work and discipline their children if that’s what’s needed. They must not delegate that part of child-rearing to mom. Dads need to discipline and not just leave it for mom.
With that said, moms need to discipline and not just wait for dad. Did you hear what I said? Moms need to discipline and not just wait for dad. Mom should not be avoiding discipline and making statements like “You just wait until your father comes home”. Now listen to me, dad should be willing to come home and discipline the children if that’s what’s needed. But moms, it’s not fair to dad to have the kids act up for you and then just make him do all that and make him the bad guy when he comes home and he’s got to take care of all the discipline. If the first thing he does when he gets home is, he’s rounding up all the kids, then that’s a problem. Dad should be willing to discipline their children, they should not just delegate it to mom and say well that’s what mom does. But you know, at the same time, moms need to discipline their children and not wait for dad.
You say, what are you trying to say? Here’s what I’m trying to say, the parent who is being challenged needs to be the one who disciplines. Because what did we say? What is this obedience? It’s a conflict between child and mom, between child and dad. And listen to me very carefully, if the child is disrespecting mom then mom needs to be the one who disciplines the child. If the child is disrespecting dad then dad needs to be the one that disciplines the child. The parent who is being challenged needs to be the one who is winning that conflict. Because otherwise you’re going to end up with a child who only obeys one parent. You don’t think that happens? Because that happens all the time. You’ve got a dad who says I can’t control my kids, I can’t get them to do anything, they won’t listen to me. When mom walks into the room and whistles and they all stand up or mom says I can’t control these kids, they won’t listen to me. But dad gets home and all of a sudden, they’re all well behaved. See, when you have that situation where your children won’t listen to you but they will your spouse, that ought to show you that they can listen.
That shows you that there is somewhere that you are failing. I’m failing but he’s winning. Or if they are listening to mom but I can’t get them to obey, mom must be winning in some way where dad is losing. Do you understand that? That’s why it is important that the parent who’s being challenged, the parent whose authority is being challenged, that parent needs to be the one who disciplines and wins that conflict. Why? Because children ought to obey mother and father. It’s not all “Well, you do what I say or you’re going to get that.”. No, that’s not a good way to raise your children. They need to learn to obey all authority. The parent who is being challenged needs to discipline. Let me say this, the parents need to be on the same team when it comes to the discipline of their children. Please listen to me very carefully, there should never ever ever ever ever, did I mention ever, be a time when your child pins mom versus dad or dad versus mom. There should never be a time when the children are being disciplined but mom takes the side of the children. There should never be a time when mom is disciplining their children and dad takes a part of the side of the children.
If something is done wrongly or inappropriate, there’s been times in our home where maybe I didn’t have the right information or I didn’t know something and I was dealing with the kids and speaking to them and correcting certain things. And later on my wife would take me aside and say, “Honey, actually this is what happened.”. And she explained it to me and I and I went back and tried to correct it with the children. But you know she never did that in front of the children. Why? Because there should always be a united front between mom and dad with the children. And by the way, that’s one of the worst side effects of divorce. It is that when parents get divorced, now you got children pinning mom and dad versus each other. “Oh really? Well dad bought me those new shoes. Oh really? Well mom let me get that.”. There should always be a united front with mom and dad. And mom and dad should always win. You need to consistently discipline which means that the parent whose authority is being challenged is the parent who has to win that battle.
Let me give you some thoughts in regards to consistently disciplining toddlers. They should be getting spanked all the time. Toddlers need to be getting spanked every day. If you have a really good toddler, every other day. Usually multiple times a day. If you’re going days without spanking, please listen to me very carefully, if you’re going days without spanking your nine-year-old that’s normal, that’s good. That means you did a good job. A nine-year-old still needs to be spanked. A ten-year-old still needs to be spanked. I’m probably going to spank my eighteen-year-old if they get out of line, until they are there on their own. But you know what? With toddlers, you need to be correcting them at every move when they’re doing something wrong. Because toddlers are the ones that are trying to learn, they’re trying to figure out “Is mom a pushover? I can’t get away with it with dad but I can get away with it with mom”. Toddlers need to be being disciplined all the time. If you’re going days without disciplining your toddler, I’m just telling you right now, you’re doing something wrong. You’re not paying attention. You’re too distracted. Get off your stinking phone and start watching your child. Because a toddler needs to be spanked every day. If you have just an angel from heaven, every other day. And quite honestly, multiple times a day is probably the truth for most toddlers.
As they get older, you spank them less. But look, toddlers need to be spanked all the time. That is the training. That is when you’ve got to win. That is when you’ve got to get them to realize “Mom is in charge. Dad is in charge. I submit to them.”. Let me say this, when it comes to consistently disciplining your children, if you have an only child or if you have children with a large age gap, please listen to me very carefully, if you have an only child or if you have children with a large age gap, you need to be paying close attention to your children when they are interacting with other children. Because when it comes to disciplining, there are two major parts that you must deal with. Number one is how they interact with their authority. That’s mom and dad. But secondly, a lot of disciplining is teaching children how to interact with their peers. Now when you’ve got five kids running around, guess what, most of the spankings are happening because brother is picking on sister or sister is picking on brother. You know, sister destroys the brother’s artwork or whatever it might be. They’re not interacting well and we’re trying to teach them because remember from last week’s sermon, we’re not trying to raise well-behaved children, we’re trying to raise well-behaved adults. And if you’re going to be a successful adult, guess what you’re going to have to learn to play well with others.
You can tell children that didn’t get spanked or didn’t get a lot of attention because they say all sorts of inappropriate things to their peers. It’s like, don’t you realize that’s rude? Don’t you realize that’s not something you should say? Don’t you realize that’s extremely offensive? But what happened is they never had a parent who said “Hey, that’s rude. No, you don’t do that to your sibling. Now listen to me very carefully, that’s most of the discipline, watching them interact. But here’s the thing, when you have an only child or when you have a child and there’s a large age gap where one of them is a teenager and the other one is a toddler, then you need to make sure when you’re at church, when you’re at home school group, when you’re at a conference, when you are in any situation where your kids are interacting with other children, you need to be very vigilant to watch how they interact with other children. And look for opportunities to discipline them in their ability to interact with others. That’s just the truth. I’m just trying to help you be a good parent.
And it’s not your fault if you’re an only child. If God only gave you one child or you had a child and years, years later God gave you another child, that’s not your fault. I’m just telling you, if you’re in that situation, you need to be extra vigilant when all the other moms are just kind of talking during homeschool group, you need to be looking at your child and seeing how do they interact with other children. Because look, I’m not trying hurt your feelings, but here’s the problem with children that are only children or that have a large age group, because there’s never anyone they have to share with. They’re just used to always getting their way. And when they’re interacting with other children, they want their way. And you need to teach children not to do that. So toddlers need to be disciplined consistently. Only children or large age gap children need to be looked at when they’re interacting with others. Discipline is not something that happens once in a while. It’s a full-time job with your children. It has to happen consistently, all the time.
So what are the steps? Number one, confront the problem. Don’t make excuses. Number two, commit to win. Don’t give in. Number three, consistently discipline. Don’t be lazy. Number four, go to Proverbs twenty-three. Proverbs 23:13, here’s point number four. If you’d like to write this down, I said number one, confront the problem. Number two, commit to win. Number three, consistently discipline. Number four, compassionately correct. You say what do you mean? We first said don’t make excuses. We secondly said don’t give in. We thirdly said don’t be lazy. Here’s number four, don’t be angry. Don’t be angry when it comes to disciplining your children. I’ve noticed with parents, there are certain things they don’t understand when it comes to discipline. I will try to explain those to you so I encourage you to write down these statements. When it comes to how to discipline your kids, here’s the first thing you need to understand, it should hurt. It should hurt but not injure. You say what’s your goal when you’re spanking your children? Hurt but not injure. Hurt but not injure.
Proverbs 23:13 “13 Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou” Notice this word “beatest him”. People don’t like that but you know what? Every word of God is pure. All scripture is given by inspiration of God. Today when you talk about beating a child, there’s a negative connotation. And please understand me, we are in no way talking about beating a child in the sense of what most society thinks up. We’re not talking about injuring a child. I’ll tell you; I don’t believe you should hit your child in their face, in their back. I don’t think you should ever hit them with a closed fist. I believe, and I’ve said this before, God gave children an area with a little extra cushioning and a whole lot of nerves called their bottom. You can spank them and it will hurt but not injure them. We’re not talking about child abuse here. We’re not talking about injuring your children and giving them a bloody lip or black eyes. That’s ridiculous.
And if anybody’s doing that at our church, we’re going to take you out and beat you and see how you like it. Ok. And here’s a good rule of thumb, try it on yourself before your children to find out how much it hurts. If you spin your child and they don’t realize it, there’s a problem. It should hurt. It should be painful but it should not injure them. You say what’s your goal? You should beat them. “if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.”. If you’re injuring a child, you’re taking it too far. Look, in verse 14 thou shalt beat him with the rod and shall deliver his soul from hell. And by the way, the Bible talks here about a rod. A rod is a thin wooden stick. That’s what he’s talking about. Proverbs 19:18 “18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”. Notice what it says. “and let not thy soul spare”. What’s the word spare mean? It means to withhold. Proverbs 19:18 “and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”. Don’t give in to their crying. Look, kids start crying before you even spank them. I tell my kids “Go to your room, you’re going to get a spanking.”. They’re already crying on their way there. Sometimes you do this and they’re crying and you’re like “Well, I’m really good at this.”. And then you’re like “Oh wait, they’re just playing me for a fool”.
It should hurt but not injure. And these are the extremes that I’ve noticed. Parents take the extreme where they’re way too soft. Their kid has a diaper on or a pull-up on, they’ve got jeans on. That’s not going to work. But the other extreme is where they’re just injuring a child. You know people ought to be able to walk by the mother baby room or the daddy baby room and know that you’re spanking your child and not be like “What is going on here?”. It shouldn’t be this big, dramatic thing. Just use some common sense. Just please don’t injure your children. That’s not what we’re talking about. It should hurt, not injure. Number two, you should be calm, not angry. You should be calm, not angry. Go to Proverbs 22:8 “8 He that soweth iniquity shall reap vanity:”. Notice the last part of the verse “and the rod of his anger shall fail.”. If you are spanking your children in anger, you are going to fail as a parent. Because all that will do is create bitterness in their heart. When you are angry towards them, they will become angry towards you.
Ephesians 6:4 “4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”. God commands us as parents, especially as fathers. We’re the ones that tend to be more temperamental. Moms are a little more compassionate than fathers. You don’t have to turn there but Colossians 3:21 says “21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”. You need to be careful about disciplining your children while you’re angry. If you are angry, you may need to send your child to the room that you’re going to give a spanking and take some time to cool down. Because the Bible says the rod of his anger shall fail. Why? Because children need to know that they’re loved. And children need to know that when you are spanking them, you are spanking them out of love. You are spanking them because you want the best for them. You are spanking them because you want to make sure that they grow up to be well behaved.
Let me say this also, your spankings should be age-appropriate. Your spankings should be age-appropriate. Look, you may have a little one and a half-year-old and they’re getting into something and you may just lightly tap their hand and say no. And that’s fine. That’s a good start. Teaching them boundaries. You slap a little one-year-old and a half just barely and they start crying. They’re more offended than anything. They’re just upset that someone said no to them. But you start training them. You try that with a twelve-year-old and you’re an idiot. You need to make sure that your spanking age appropriately. Obviously a three-year-old is going to receive a different spanking than a seven-year-old or if need be a 22-year-old or whatever. “provoke not your children to wrath:”. You need to make sure that you are calm and not angry.
So when you are spanking your children, what are the guidelines? The guidelines, it should hurt not injure. You should be calm not angry. Here’s number three, go to Proverbs 29. You should be training not avenging. Spanking your children as a tool of training. Doesn’t the Bible say train up a child in the way he should go. It is a tool to educate and to train. The problem with a lot of improper spanking is that parents are not training their children. They are avenging themselves. You broke my vase and you’re getting revenge on your vase or you’re getting revenge on whatever. That is not the point of spanking a child. And by the way, that’s not why God corrects us. He’s not trying to just get us back. He’s chastening us, he’s correcting us, to help us to be better, to help us understand. He does that for us. He does it out of love. By the way, he does it a lot and you should be training your children.
I was meditating upon this verse earlier this week, as I was thinking about this sermon. Proverbs 29:15 says this “15 The rod and reproof”. What’s reproof? Reproof is a verbal correction. It is when you correct your children verbally. I want you to notice the connection. He says “the rod” which is talking about a spanking with a child. But then he says, “and reproof give wisdom”. I’ll be honest with you; I don’t do well with this. It says “provoke not your children to wrath:”. That’s for me, alright. I’m trying to do better with that. But I was pondering that verse and I was thinking “The Bible says the rod and reproof give wisdom”. And I was thinking to myself, what does that look like? How could I as a father do that better? When I’m spanking my children, to take the time not just to spend time with the rod but to spend time in reproof and training and teaching them. And I was just kind of pondering on that and thinking about it and trying to figure out what that would look like. As I was thinking about it, it was time for lunch. My office is upstairs in our home, so I came downstairs for lunch. And as I came downstairs, I’m just kind of thinking about “the rod and reproof give wisdom”. What does that look like? How can I implement that in my life? How could I do better at that?
And as I was coming down the steps, my daughter has these roller-skates you put over your shoes. And she’s roller-skating across the tile in front of me. And then all of a sudden, I see my wife grab her and take her to the couch and put on her lap and administer the spanking. Then she picked her up and set her in front of her and she said to my daughter “What did I tell you to do?”. And my daughter’s crying “You told me to put away the roller-skates”. And she said to her “What are you doing?”. “I’m still playing with the roller skates”. And she said to her “Are you obeying or disobeying?”. And she said “Put away the roller skates or you’ll receive another spanking”. And she took off the roller skates and I thought to myself, that’s what I’m talking about right there. The rod and reproof give wisdom. It’s not just enough to spank them. You need to talk to them and train them on why they are getting a spanking. What were you asked to do? What are you doing? Are you disobeying? Are you being dishonest? Are you being disorderly?
See, it’s not enough to just beat them. You must train them. The rod and reproof give wisdom but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. You must train your child. it’s not a time to avenge yourself. It’s a time to train them. It’s a time to help them. And by the way, you must help your children to take responsibility for their own actions. You must help your children to take responsibility for their own actions. What were you asked to do? Put the roller skates away. What are you doing? Playing with the roller skates. Are you obeying or disobeying? What are we doing there? What was she doing there? She’s helping the child to take responsibility for their own actions. Can I tell you, as a Pastor, the people that have given me the most problems over the last 7 years of ministry are people whose parents never taught them to take responsibility for their own actions? I’m thinking right now of a guy who was calling around church people, talking all sorts of spreading lies about me, talking smack about me. This was a grown man with a wife and children who lived in his parent’s home for a year and a half. And I thought, when I got married my dad took me aside and said you are never moving back here again. You are going to learn to fly little birdie fly. You’re 18 years old, you think you can get married, well pay the bills too.
I think about another guy who’s all mad at me about something. He left the church and is talking about me. Married with children and his parents bought him a vehicle, put the down payment on their house. Here’s all I’m telling you, parents who never teach their children to take responsibility for their actions, you’re not helping the child. You’re not raising a good adult. You’re raising someone who is going to cause problems at church, cause problems in all sorts of areas in life. Why? Because they never learned to take responsibility for themselves. You must take responsibility for your own actions. When it comes to raising your children, when it comes to disciplining them, it should hurt not injure. You should be calm not angry. You should be training not avenging. There are areas that you need to be looking for, areas that demand discipline. Let me give them to you just really quickly. Areas that demand discipline in your life and in the life of your children.
When they are being disobedient. I told you last week, we teach our children, we don’t do it all the time and we don’t do it out in public, but at home especially with our younger ones, we try to teach them “You obey right away with a smile. You obey right away with a smile.”. It’s not enough to obey when you want to get to it. You obey right away with a smile. You say why do you teach your children that? Because one day, when they’re adults, I want them to obey God right away, with the right attitude, with a smile, and have their heart right towards God and do it immediately, straightway like the disciples followed Christ. So you must be looking for areas of disobedience. You must be looking for areas of disrespect. If they’re rolling their eyes, if they’re yelling at you, if they’re giving you attitude, if they’re throwing themselves on the floor and flopping around like a fish. Okay. That’s disrespect. You need to correct areas of dishonesty. You have to be instilling in the life of your children integrity and character at a young age. Areas of being disorderly or destructive or out of control. When they’re just out of control, when they’re just not listening to anybody, when they’re just running around doing whatever they want. You want to teach your children to be observant. Your children should not be oblivious to what’s going on around them.
A one-year-old or a six-month-old or a year-and-a-half old will come into church and we’re in the middle of praying and they’re yelling. Why? Because a one-year-old doesn’t realize they’re in a church setting. A six-month-old doesn’t look around and say “Wait a minute, everybody’s sitting. Everybody’s quiet. Everybody’s listening to that guy.”. A one-year-old doesn’t think that but you know what, a two-year-old and a three-year-old and a four-year-old should start observing “Oh we’re at a park and all the kids are running around. They’re yelling. It must be okay for me to run around and yell.” But they should also be able to see “We’re in church. Everybody’s sitting quietly.”. They should be able to observe that and not be totally oblivious to the fact that there is a church service going on”. Let me read the quote from the bulletin. “Tolerating bad behavior is the same as training defiance and rebellion in the heart of your child”. Listen to me very carefully, “Tolerating bad behavior at home will ensure embarrassment outside the home.”. Tolerating bad behavior at home will ensure that they embarrass you outside of the home.
Proverbs 20:11 “11 Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.”. Your children are a testimony to your discipline. We don’t have to sit there and wonder “I wonder what kind of parents so and so are? I wonder how she is at home with her children?”. I don’t need to know that. I just watch your kid to know that. Because even a child is known by his doings. Now let me this as we close up. Let me say a couple things. Number one, those of you that are parents and are raising children, stay at it, be persistent, just realize this, it’s a training period of life. Your kids are not going to be perfect. You’re training them for that reason. Let me say this to the older folks in our room and in our church, be patient with these young kids. I know you don’t remember your kids but they were all bratty. It’s funny because people get older and they think like “My kids were perfect.”. All these kids are bad. Look at all these children. I’ve been preaching for like an hour, look at all these kids, they’re doing a great job. And I bet they’re doing way better than your kids would have done if you came to our church. “Well when I went to church my kids didn’t mess around.”. You didn’t go to a family integrated Church. Your kids were off at Sunday school class singing games, getting lollipops. So before you start coming down too hard on these kids, after the service they’re a little wound up because they just sat through a sermon and heard me preach for an hour. Give them some grace.
So let me say this, be patient with the children. Be persistent with the children. Why? Because this is a training period. And just realize that they’re going to act up. I’m not contradicting myself. There are going to be times when they’re tired. If they’re always acting up and they’re always tired, quit making excuses. There’s going to be times when they do things. I remember a couple of years ago, one of our ladies gave birth at a hospital. And my wife and I went to go do the hospital visit. And we went and we took all our kids with us. And we weren’t able to take the kids inside. So I went in first and spoke with them and gave them a little gift card or whatever and prayed. And then she went in and gave them flowers. And we were talking about whatever and had all of the kids. And when we were driving back home, I was already late and I told my wife “We’re driving by a Red Robin.”. And there’s no Red Robins in Natomas but there happens to be a Red Robin over by where we were. And I said to my wife “Let’s just go to Red Robin and just have dinner”. She was like oh no, we can go home and I can make dinner. I said “Honey don’t worry about it.”. She’s like no I already have it all planned. And I said “Let’s just enjoy ourselves.”. And she said okay.
So we walk into the Red Robin. Usually when we go to a restaurant with five children, we get waters for everyone and get the cheapest thing on the menu. But we got there and the kids had asked if they could have like the kid’s meal. And I thought, you know what, these kids were in this van for like an hour. They were being well behaved and I said “You know what honey, let’s just get the kids meals which were like more expensive with the drinks.”. And then they, I don’t know if they just thought like, “Oh man daddy, he’s not winning.”. So they asked “Could we get ice cream”. And my wife’s like no absolutely not. I said “Honey, let’s just get ice cream.”. So we got ice cream for all the kids. I got a milkshake. We spent way more money than we normally would have at a restaurant. And you know when it’s time to pay for the meal, the waiter comes by and I said “We’re getting ready to go. Can we get the ticket?”. And he said to me, “There was a lady. I don’t know if you saw her sitting behind you over here. She’s gone now but she was so impressed with how well behaved your kids were that she paid for the whole meal.”. And I thought to myself, man God must have told me. Because I was just spending money like crazy. I don’t normally get all that stuff.
But here’s the point I’m trying to make to you. I’m telling you that story because I want you to get the context. One week later we’re at a different restaurant with a new family who just joined our church. We’re taking them out to eat and getting to know them. We’re sitting there talking to them and conversating and this old man walks up to me just in the middle of this new family in our church. He says “You are the worst parent ever. I can’t believe you’re allowing your children to do that”. I’m like do what? “He’s like playing with knives”. And I look over and my son has a steak knife. And he’s getting a butter out and putting it on his bread. And this guy’s acting like we’re just letting him play Russian Roulette. We’re with this new family so I’m like “I’m sorry. Thank you.”. Or whatever. Here’s all I’m trying to tell you, sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re not. It’s just training. Sometimes people are impressed and sometimes people criticize you. It’s just training.
So don’t get too wound up if people give you compliments. People give compliments about your kids but others complain about your kids. Just realize, you’re training the children. You’re trying to help them get well behaved. You’re trying to make them love the Lord. You’re trying to make sure that they’re obedient and they’re respectful. So what are the steps? You confront the problem, you commit to win, you consistently discipline, you compassionately correct.
Let’s pray.